One Picture, Every Decade

I was checking out this picture of two floppy-haired bros shooting hoops against each other.

And I was looking at it really intense style and then I unlocked the key, which isn't how that metaphor works. But I uncovered the hidden message. I think it's a Da Vinci Code thing, because this picture recalls every era of NBA basketball, except for the 1940 which hardly count.

BREAK-DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

• 50s - non-muscular, light skinned legs, a hallmark of the early all white NBA.
• 60s - unkempt 'power to the people' hair and ineffective headbandery recalls the Summer of Love
  
• 70s - faux-tro wine and gold Cleveland Cavaliers uniforms
• 80s - too short shorts
• 90s - a center part and five o'clock shadow, ladies
  
• 00s - pointlessly updated Los Angeles Lakers jerseys
• 10s - this picture was taken in 2010

So basically this is the perfect picture for our times. Every true NBA fan would have it tattooed on their back, with the annotations so that it makes sense.

The NBA is a melting pot. We put in European and Argentinean chocolates, melt those chocolates together, and then after they have combined to form a nice Euro-Argentine chocolate paste we spread it on wheat toast and maybe put a little honey on top of the chocolate paste and enjoy it. Maybe we have another piece or maybe we get diabetes, we can't see the future.

"Tomorrow never knows." -- Ringo Starr
"For real." -- Trey Kerby

Pau Gasol, He Ereses La Cana a Lot

That's what I'm always saying. I scream it a lot. I'm always like, "Pau eres la cana! Yeah!" People don't really get it, but you two get it. You know what I mean. Because if there's anyone who really eres la cana it's Pau Gasol, am I right?

The funny thing is, I don't really speak that much Spanish. And even less Catalan. But I'm pretty sure that when I say "Pau eres la cana," which is A LOT, I'm speaking the truth. That dude LOVES to eres la cana. Loves it. It's basically his favorite thing besides hook shots and making his hands look like deer hooves.

I don't know though. I guess it would make sense that I check in to what it actually means instead of just telling all my friends that Pau Gasol eres la cana. Well, I guess I've already told all my friends, but it couldn't hurt to check it out before I tell them again. Let's see here.

"Peace eras the sugarcane?" That doesn't even make sense. Is this some sort of code? It doesn't even reference Pau Gasol. This is really embarrassing. All this time, when I was yelling "Pau eres la cana," I thought I was just saying something like "Pau, you're a baller," or, "Pau, you're beard is okay." I definitely didn't think I was propagandizing on behalf of the Sugarcane Peace Coalition.

Thanks for nothing, Spain.

Little Baby Blowtorch

I've been reticent to mention this because I feel like it might be a little too personal. However, I need all of your help. My wife has been pregnant the last nine months.

Last night, our baby was born. Despite my protests, she wouldn't go for the name Bonesaw Michaeljordan Kerby. I don't know why not, either. But since it was the start of the NBA season last night, she agreed to let me name it after whoever I want. I've got some ideas.

Might go with the 'best player in the game' strategy.

LeBron Treymes Kerby

Might try to make him more exotic.

Pau Kerby

Might go old-school.

Bill Kerby

Might go new-school.

Blake Kerby

Might go for the best look.

Dirk Nowitzkerby

This is basically the most important decision of my life, so I need your help.

What do you think?

My First Acting Role

As y'all know, I've been trying to break in to 'show business' for quite some time. In February of last year, I wrote/directed/produced/starred in The Brad Miller Show (returning SOON, probably) which was a pretty big hit on the Internet. A lot of people compared it to the fourth season of The Wire, because it was so beautifully shot and authentic. Apparently, my work on TBMS opened some eyes, because just this weekend I co-starred in CSI: Miami with Pau Gasol of the Los Angeles Lakers.

Bros.

It was pretty chill. I learned a lot of things about Pau. For instance, he shaves hourly. His 'beard' just grows back that fast. Additionally, he taught me how to make all those crazy faces he makes. (I was a stunt double and had to be able to perfectly mimic him.)

Nailed it.

He says it's all in the sternocleidomastoid. That neck muscle gives Pau a lot of facial power and expressiveness. It was really interesting to learn 'crazy face' from a pro.

I also found out a bunch of inside info from Lakers training camp:

• Lamar Odom uses a Magic 8-Ball to make every decision in his life.
• Andrew Bynum smells like Listerine.
• Luke Walton likes soda.
• Phil Jackson's car is green.

Pretty invaluable stuff. I'm really glad I had this opportunity, and I hope that my performance opens the door for bigger and better acting roles. I really think I have a future in 'the Biz'.

"If you can make it in the suburbs of Chicago, you can make it anywhere." - Trey Kerby, October 15, 2009

Dress Like an NBA Finals Participant

Three great looks for three different pricepoints...

THE EURO

Calvin Klein 3 button brown pinstripe suit (Macy's) - $174.99Patterned dress shirt (Old Navy) - $12.25Jonathan Product "Dirt" (Amazon.com) - $14.00

Total: $201.24

THE BRO

Black knit sweater vest (Express) - $39.501MX shirt wide tonal stripe (Express) - $37.50
Silk tie (Express) - $39.50

Total: $10,116.50 (including watch)

THE DAD

John Corey short sleeve performance mock turtleneck (Carefree Casuals) - $18.04Haircut (SuperCuts) -$8.00

Total: $26.04

I'm in Alabama

I am driving a Chevrolet Aveo.
I am staying in a Holiday Inn.
I am eating at a Waffle House.
I am getting sunburned.
I am wearing boat shoes.

Ergo, content will be meager until Thursday.

But first, a two man play I call "We Move as One."

-------------

We Move as One

Fin.
-------------

The Stars Come Out

Last night was the first time Pau Gasol and Marc Gasol have played each other in Los Angeles. Yeah, they've played in Memphis before but the only celebrities in Memphis are Three-6-Mafia and BB King's corpse. Needless to say, things are bigger in LA.

Even the Gasol's realized this. They tried their first fist pound ever for the occasion.

Having succeeded with the fist pound. The Gasol's pranced up and down the court.

I'm pretty sure they were excited because their brother David (pronounced "DAH-veed") was in the house. They hadn't seen him since they left Spain.

Of course, David Gasol wasn't the only big name in attendance. Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy came out to scout his potential Finals opponent.

The stars of 2002's Best Picture winner Anger Management were courtside.
As a special promotion, it was "90s night." The Lakers invited people who haven't been relevant in years to come and sit courtside. It was their way of acknowledging that even though the don't have the clout to deserve premium seats, they aren't forgotten.

For instance, "musician" Fred Durst was allowed in public for the first time since that song with Method Man. One of the biggest surprises was that the Lakers invited the spirit of 1999 era Jared Leto to attend the game. Not surprisingly, 1999 era Jared Leto was happy to attend.With all these huge stars showing up, Andy Garcia was relegated to the nosebleeds. Again. Sorry, Andy. At least you got 8th billing in the Ocean's 11 franchise.

Explaining Hook Shots

The hook shot is something near and dear to my heart. When the Trey Kerby YouTube mixtape (currently in production) finally drops, you best believe that there will be significant hooking involved, along with a very loud and ignorant rap song. That's the YouTube way.

Given these credentials, I'm pretty much the internet's leading expert on the hook shot. Furthermore, I have a degree in Health Science which allows me to explain things by using physics. Also, MS Paint lines/Helvetica.

Our first case is Yao Ming: Notice the three main elements that make a successful hook shot:

1. Full extension of the shooting arm.
2. Body and off-arm shield the defender from blocking the shot.
3. Strange facial expression.

Let us compare this to Dwight Howard:

As you can see, Dwight has his elbow bent which prevents him from getting the proper arc on his hook. Plus his body is nearly facing his defender, whom he hasn't shielded with his off-arm. However, his face is pretty crazy, so that's working for him.

Now another successful hook shotta, Tim Duncan:Fully extended. Defender shielded. Face showing no emotion due to his cyborg innards. Two out of three ain't bad. MEATLOAF QUOTE.

Anyways, when Duncan decides to get balanced and shoot a real hook, it's perfect. Surprising. Of course, if you were Tim Duncan and could throw up anything and have it go in, why wouldn't you? Because you would. You know you would.

But here's Greg Oden:

While his arm is extended and he's trying to shield the defender, he just isn't doing it right. His hooks look like when your high school coach teaches you a hook shot, so you try it in a JV game and airball it short. But you got fouled and make both free throws anyway, so whatever. That's exactly what it looks like. His arm needs to be extended so that he can get some separation from his defender.

Here's our last comparison.

First, Pau Gasol:Good extension, shielding, and separation. Being that it's Pau Gasol, obviously his face is insane. THIS IS ONE OF THE KEYS.

But fellow European (not really) Kosta Koufas isn't so great:I guess if you're a Jazz fan, you love this hook shot and think it's better than Chris Paul. But it's wrong in a lot of ways. But it's Kosta Koufos, so it's basically irrelevant. But you should note that if you can't gain separation any other way, a solid kick in the groin is a great way to get your shot off too. Just ask Joel Pryzbilla.

But fear not, fellow humans, even if you go outside right now (don't go outside right now, it's cold) and shoot your first hook shot ever, you'll still be better than Josh McRoberts:

Pau Gasol Does His Kevin Garnett Impression

AHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

AH

AH

Bahskeetbowl.

AHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHH

AHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

1000 Words: LOUD NOISES

PAU!

YAO!



WOW!