Go Crazy Cleveland! Go Crazy!

 If there is one bright spot in a Cleveland sports fan's life in 2011, it will be that they beat LeBron once and getting Derrick Williams in June.  I find insignificant for the Miami Heat, and I thought the issues with LBJ/Cleveland got petty by the middle of this season. It is still awesome to beat your favorite enemy.

-Charlie.

As The Heatles Turn

(Found this on Barstool Philly, great from Chris Webber)

I did not want to touch on the Miami Heat for the second time in three days. But, after they lost to the Portland Trail Blazers last night by the tune of 105-96, there was a very interesting quote from LeBron James. James said "Crazy thing is if we lose the rest of our games, we will still be in the playoffs." I posted this on Facebook, and the reaction was like if I made fun of Justin Bieber in front 100 teenage girls. The funny thing is LeBron is absolutely right no question about it, but it's nothing that should be said from their star player.



I posted this on Facebook because I believed it made the Heat look like a team, once again, that is mentally defeated. I wouldn't look that much into it, but Dwyane Wade shares the same sort of 'aww shucks' 'look at me' 'feel bad for us' persona. I called them mentally weak, which is an extreme comment for their careers, but right now, they have a losing mentality.

Jon, a Brewers Daily blogger and a passionate sports fan disagreed with me saying that quotes are overrated in sports. I thought about this for awhile today. Sometimes, yes, they do get overblown.  But I bet this is the first quote every journalist at that game uses in their story. Quotes add to the reasons why we love sports.  We always look for nuggets from the best in the business like LBJ, Brett Favre, Alex Rodriguez, and Kobe Bryant. Everyone hopes for the rants from the various players and coaches to quote for the next month or even year. A lot of the people covering the Heat need to make these inferences because if they don't, the radio will or the fans will. Quotes revolve around our sports life and other aspects like politics, and entertainment (e.g. Charlie Sheen).

Jon also mentioned that this true statement by LeBron is fine because 'seeding doesn't matter'. I had my O RLY?! face on and went to do some research on the topic.  Here's how it breaks down as to what seed represents the NBA's  Eastern Conference in the last 30 years.

1 seed: 18/30- 60 percent of the time
2 seed 7/30- 23 percent
3 seed 4/30- 13 percent
4 seed 1/30-   3 percent
5 seed never
6 seed never
7 seed never
8 seed 1/30-  3 percent (the lockout year as an fyi)

To say seeding doesn't matter is false. There is an obvious correlation to teams needing to have at least one home playoff series, and increased success, if they have two or more home series. You can say the Heat do not have fans and all of that jazz about Miami, but being home means not living out of a suitcase amongst other things. I am beyond interested to see what happens with the red-hot Los Angeles Lakers coming to South Beach on Thursday. The Heat need to win, the Lakers want to make another statement, should be a good one.

-Charlie.

DOY: Kobe Bryant

Slow day on the Tap.  I am assuming everyone is busy with shoveling and school work. If you missed last night's All Star Game, it ended up being pretty special.  LeBron James had the second triple-double in All Star Game history, and almost willed his team back to victory. Kobe Bryant dropped 38 and 14 taking home the MVP honors. Also Bryant had a nice dunk over Mr. James, enjoy.

-Charlie.

How 'Bout Them Cavs?

The Cleveland Cavaliers have finally ended that record setting losing streak that made them the NBA's "lovable losers" in 2010-2011. They beat Blake Griffin and the Los Angeles Clippers in overtime 126-119 at the Q.

That was their first victory in 26 games, and their first victory in 53 days. Some of those losses were close. Some were downright ugly (see the 112-57 loss against the Lakers). The thing a lot of people don't realize is that the Cavs had a 10 game losing streak going, then they beat the Knicks, in overtime, then they proceeded to lose 26 in a row. Add up the numbers, and they've lost 36 of their last 37 games.

They just haven't been the same since that devastating loss against Miami in which, LeBron James put up 38 points in his anticipated return to Chernobyl, err Cleveland. Not that they're any good to begin with, but they've been absolutely putrid.

Jamison is the Cavs leading scorer with 17.6 PPG.

Mo Williams and Antawn Jamison aren't any good and Anderson Varejão should not be a starter on an NBA team. It's pretty obvious now the kind of value "King James" had with those guys. They're essentially the same squad minus one of the best all-around players of all-time. Everyone knew it but hoped it wouldn't be this bad after the way LeBron and he P.R. staff handled the departure.

This season is clearly considered a wash by now in Cleveland and they are just vying for the top spot in the lottery this year. This is not that unlike the '02-'03 season where there was speculation of them throwing games just to win the LeBron sweepstakes when he went pro. The Cavs could use a good, young PG (Kyrie Irving?)

-Mitch

Ending the LeBron-Cleveland Feud

The Cleveland Cavaliers suffered one of the worst losses in NBA history.  They lost to the Los Angeles Lakers 112-57 last night. For those non-math majors out there, that is a 55 point loss. That is like Duke playing UW-Eau Claire type of scoring right there, although that might be giving the Blugolds some credit.  Obviously, players like Mo Williams and Antwan Jamison are embarrassed.  But to put the cherry on top, their most famous former player LeBron James tweeted his thoughts...  

Crazy. Karma is a b****.. Gets you every time. Its not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!

I never said LeBron should have stayed in Cleveland and try to bring that city a title. Personally, I wanted New York, but that's just. I didn't like how he was an asshole about the whole ordeal.  LeBron's horrible PR decision is the reason why people hate him with more venom this season. LeBron wants people to know he hates Cleveland and never will forgive them for burning his jerseys, blocking out Jay-Z songs, etc.. But honestly, I am fed up with both of them.  This is like a weak rap beef comparable to Soulja Boy and Gucci Mane with LBJ and the city of Cleveland.  Each sides needs to give it up.  We understand you hate each other, but let's move on.

This isn't the WWE where we have a long feud resulting in a title fight, then another one, and then a final grudge match in a steel cage. This is the NBA.  Both sides need to stop being bitches. Unless someone throws a punch in a game, this is a meaningless squabble.  I do like LeBron is in FU mode because that's the type of player he needs to be this season. The killer instict is back, now let's see if he can do it in the playoffs.

-Charlie.

I'm Done Bashing LeBron But...

This video (posted on my Facebook wall by Murph) is too funny. It's just some dumbass doing a voice over that Nike commercial that LeBron did after "The Decision" to go to the Miami Heat. I apologize if I offend any cowboys, any Texans or any horses while doing this.



-Mitchy

Celebrities Like LeBron James

It's a scientific fact that sometimes celebrities like basketball. And sometimes even pseudo-celebrities like basketball, most notably Billy Crystal. In fact, both real and kind of celebrities sometimes like basketball so much that they sometimes attend games, even in Oakland. It happened just last night, when the Cleveland Cavaliers visited the Golden State Warriors. In the name of journalism, I checked in with these stars to see what they thought of LeBron James dunking a lot.

• Christopher Lee - "No, I'm not Ian McKlellan, who is a dear friend of mine. I am Sir Christopher Lee, perhaps better known as Saruman. Tis it noble of me to mention my roles? I carest not, for I have played Count Dooku AND Doctor Scaramanga. CHARLEMAGNE!"
• Mark Wahlberg - "Hey LeBron. That's a nice dunk. You jump pretty high. My brother jumped off a roof once. Say hi to your mother for me."
• Lynne Spears - "Sure he's a successful child prodigy now, but just wait."
• Andy Garcia (not pictured) - "Can I get some better seats please? Like something out of the upper bowl?
  

Little Baby Blowtorch

I've been reticent to mention this because I feel like it might be a little too personal. However, I need all of your help. My wife has been pregnant the last nine months.

Last night, our baby was born. Despite my protests, she wouldn't go for the name Bonesaw Michaeljordan Kerby. I don't know why not, either. But since it was the start of the NBA season last night, she agreed to let me name it after whoever I want. I've got some ideas.

Might go with the 'best player in the game' strategy.

LeBron Treymes Kerby

Might try to make him more exotic.

Pau Kerby

Might go old-school.

Bill Kerby

Might go new-school.

Blake Kerby

Might go for the best look.

Dirk Nowitzkerby

This is basically the most important decision of my life, so I need your help.

What do you think?

Surprising LeBron James Facts

Favorite Book: Shooting Stars

Favorite Movie: More Than a Game

Favorite Record: Music Inspired by More Than a Game

Play Count of "Forever" (according to iTunes since 8-27-09): 846

Basketball Championships Won by The Blowtorch Proprietors While Wearing LeBron James Shoes: 1

Basketball Championships Won by LeBron James While Wearing LeBron James Shoes: 1

Favorite Food: fusili with alfredo sauce

Favorite Gum (packaging): LeBron's Lightning Lemonade

Favorite Gum (taste): Quench Gum - Fruit Punch

Least Favorite Gum (taste): LeBron's Lightning Lemonade

Owns a Ferrari named "LeRrari".

Favorite LeBron from "The LeBrons": Business LeBron

Least Favorite LeBron from "The LeBrons": none

Favorite Harry Potter Book: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Least Favorite Harry Potter Book: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Favorite Comedian: LeBron James on Saturday Night Live

Least Favorite Comedian: LeBron James on the ESPYs

Headband is made of 2300 thread count Egyptian cotton.

The LeBron James Conspiracy

Remember this?
Enhance.Enhance.

Good. Now look at this.

It is blatantly obvious that I have uncovered another great deception in the NBA. There are only three logical explanations for this.

1. LeBron James has a twin brother named LaRon James who does not have perfect vision and is starting to bald. LaRon often stands in for LeBron when he feels the situation is either too dangerous or too inconsequential. We'll call this the Tony Clifton Scenario. This is the most likely.
   
   
2. There is some bro who looks a lot like LeBron James and is trying to capitalize on his fame and money. We'll call this the Frank Abignale Scenario. This is the second most likely, which is why it is listed second.
   
   
3. LeBron James wears glasses. This is not very likely because he is superhuman and therefore has superhuman vision. While it might be a Superman kind of thing, that persona has been co-opted by too many other athletes that a brazen copyright infringement would not go unchecked in NBA back channels. This can be discredited.

Like I said, it's most likely that there is a LeBron James twin that no one knows about. The only differences betwixt the two are the glasses, loss of hair, and complete lack of athletic ability. If you have seen The Prestige, you'll quickly realize that this is something that has been planned since LeBron realized he could become famous. By using a twin he is able to be in two places at once, which is hugely marketable. Plus it will extend LeBron's career because it will save the wear and tear of travelling around the globe.

As the old saying says, you never know when a famous athlete will have a less athletic brother with wacky hair that the Phoenix Suns will want to draft.

Mehmet Okur is Becoming LeBron James

I was just going through the vast archives of random NBA pictures that I have on my 4GB Data Traveler thumb drive. These pictures have been culled from various sources, and they serve as backup whenever I'm trying to find new memes. Memes are currency in the blogsospheres, so it's good to have some in savings. It's also wise to invest your memes in some low-risk, high return MRAs (meme retirement accounts) so that when you're done searching for memes, you still have some left over. This is all pretty complicated stuff I learned in macromemonomics, but you get the point.

ANYHOW, I was searching through my meme portfolio when I found these two pictures:

Did you notice how obvious it is that Mehmet Okur is aping LeBron's style? Here is a side-by-side comparison to elucidate the similarities:

I've connected the things that are the same with an easy-to-read color coded set of boxes and lines. Check it out.

• Same Louis Vuitton bag.
• Same creepy line beard.
• Both have electronics on their person.
• Both walking.

Pretty obvious now, isn't it? Mehmet Okur is definitely pulling a Single White Female, a documentary about people trying to be like other people. The only difference is these two people are males. And also neither is a white person (technically). But otherwise, it's the same because he's trying to look EXACTLY like him. We all know how that turned out (someone died).

I don't want to wake up some morning and read that Mehmet Okur stabbed Steven Weber with a spiked heel. Someone keep an eye on this situation.

LeBron, Kobe, and the Battle of Asia

Kinda worried about Asia, guys. Follow this chain of events:

First, Kobe Bryant forces the Lakers to sign Sun Yue as an olive branch of sorts to the Chinese. However, because it's Kobe, there's more to the signing. He knows that adding a Chinese player to the roster increases his visability in China. Following the signing, Kobe makes Sun Yue sit next to him on every airplane and bus ride they take, even though he doesn't speak a word of Chinese.

Then, LeBron James convinces Nike to run in ad campaign in China, depicting him as the rightful heir to the throne formerly inhabited by the Bearded Man and Young Girl. As all Chinese know, these two former rulers were ousted by the Angry Man who has tyrannically ruled over China for centuries. Not until LeBron have the Chinese had a worthy adversary to Angry Man.

Then, Kobe takes a tour of Asia where he promotes his super light shoe. At every turn he derides LeBron's shoe for being too clunky. The Chinese take a liking to Kobe's shoes, mostly because they look better with high-end denim. Also, they're not that upset with Angry Man, he's just misunderstood.

Angered that Kobe has usurped his throne as reigning shoe maven in China, LeBron installs a massive video screen in his house that allows him to interact with the Chinese in real time. The video screen is wired in to China's closed circuit television mainframe, which gives LeBron the ability to interrupt any program with very important news. As you can see, the Chinese are delighted.

Finally, Kobe commissions the construction of a large, friendly looking robot which has been embraced by the Chinese. Unbeknownst to them, however, the robot is programmed so that if LeBron ever interrupts a Kobe commeercial or program it will systematically destroy whichever metropolis it is near. Savvy as he is, Kobe informed LeBron of this robot's capabilities and programming, leaving the onus on LeBron to not invoke it's wrath, in essence limiting LeBron's television control.

As you can see, LeBron and Kobe are at a standstill in the Asian markets. This perilous truce could eventually lead to out and out destruction and sure retaliation. I encourage you to write your local councilman protesting the arms race in Asia and the Pacific Islands. It is only a matter of time before these two rivals incite a third World War.

LeBron James Listens to "I Gotta Feeling"

So yeah, like, I'm really looking forward to playing with Shaq. And to next summer.

I gotta feeling...

Y'all hear that?

That tonight's gonna be a good night...
Tonight's gonna be a good good night...

Aww yeah. This that Black Eyed Peas song, right?

I got my money
Let's spend it up
I LOVE THIS SONG! THIS IS THE BEST PART!!!!!!

Art Review: On the Beach

Summary
A man buried in sand up so that only his nose and mustache show is approached by a crab.

Insight
As many know, Adam Morrison's greatest contribution to the game of basketball is his mustache. Ergo, the mustache represents Morrison, who is currently a member of the Los Angeles Lakers. However, since Morrison is not a particularly skilled player, he is relegated to the bench. In essence, he is "buried" there, hence the sand.

We also notice the crab menacingly approaching the mustache and nose. In January of 2009, LeBron James was called for a travelling violation, which he explained was simply a "crab dribble." Clearly, the crab is a physical manifestation of LeBron James. The crab refers back to his attempted explanation, while its features (sharp claws, bright colors, enormous head) relate to LeBron's prominence in the NBA.

In this photograph, the crab appears poised to strike the mustache. Given the obvious Morrison/James connectionsin this scene, we can assume that the picture is a meditation on James' anger and frustration that such a peripheral athlete as Morrison might have the ultimate triumph, an NBA title, while being "buried" on the bench.

Estimated price at auction
$10,000-20,000

(Note: the value of this piece will increase if the Lakers win this year's championship and will further increase each year that James does not.)

LeBron James's Newest Business Venture

Remember Blowtorch Consulting? It's off to a great start. How well is my one man shop doing, you ask? This well:

Blowtorch Consulting is proud to announce it's newest client, Cleveland Cavalier, Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies CEO, and Most Valuable Player LeBron James.

It was a simple deal, really. LeBron has a newer Ferrari, and now that the Cavs have been eliminated, tons of time on his hands. Not only does it pad his wallet, he also gets to connect with fans and show them that he's serious about Cleveland. Win-win.

This is the first of what I assume will be MANY big name clients. In this economy, players are looking for any way they can to maximize their earning potential. Blowtorch Consulting is here to help.

One of These Things is Not Like the Others

Concentration-wise.

Kobe Bryant Status Update

Hey guys, LeBron James here.

It's been a while since we last spoke, and I wanted to fill everyone in on what's happened since my last appearance. There have been some problems with the Kobe Bryant re-growth program.

As you can see from that picture, Kobe appears to have reverted to about 70% his normal size. V.A.S.T. scientists have assured me that they've encountered this in previous re-growths, and that Kobe should be back to full size in no time. In fact, because his bones didn't stretch so quickly, they'll be stronger due to the prolonged re-growth period.

Thanks for sticking with us through this waiting game. I'll be sure to let you know when Kobe is back to full strength.

A Few Words from V.A.S.T. CEO LeBron James

Hey America, CEO and co-founder of Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies, LeBron James here. I just wanted to let you all know that our shrinking experiment has been a great success.

Also, the resizing program is going according to schedule. Mr. Bryant has already returned to 95% of his original size. We anticipate that the process will be completed early next week. Thank you for your support and concern.

Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies' Shrinking Ray

Hi, I'm LeBron James, basketball player for the Cleveland Cavaliers, MVP of the NBA, but most importantly, CEO and founder of Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies, V.A.S.T. for short.

For the past three years, V.A.S.T. has championed the advancement of science and technology, and has made many discoveries that will change your life. We've funded private space travel, travelled back and forth in time, and have even implanted hydraulic endoskeletons. And while our successes haven't yet been made public, all that changes today.

That's right. For the first time ever, V.A.S.T. will be performing a public testing of one of our newest products. We've been working on our shrinking ray for about a year now, and after doing some animal testing we've finally perfected the molecular biology that allows us to shrink any object to any size. In fact, that was the easy part. Getting the object back to normal size has been tricky, but we've got that covered too. So let's get this thing fired up.

Since this is such a new technology, we couldn't let our test subject know ahead of time what we'd be doing. However, this is totally safe, and my engineers have informed me that there is little to no chance of any injury. With that in mind, I'd like to present our test subject, Mr. Kobe Bryant.

As you can see in this "before" picture, Kobe fills out his suit quite well. It's perfectly tailored to his body, snug where it should be, but not restrictive. Keep that in mind while I set the V.A.S.T. shrinking ray to 85%. Here we go.

shoots Kobe with ray

Look at that! He's swimming in his clothes! And those headphones look enormous! Clearly, this is another in a long line of successes for V.A.S.T. Since we're not ready to debut our resizing program quite yet, we'll have to take Kobe back to our laboratories. But rest assured, he'll be back to full size in no time.

Thank you everyone for being here. Remember V.A.S.T. isn't just for me, it's for all of us.

The NBA Cares...Or Do They?

I'm scared, guys. For the kids. I am scared for the kids. I'm worried that the NBA is trying to kill them. It's not just paranoia, like when Will Smith freaks out in I Am Legend. This is legit.

Don't believe me? Fine. Sacrifice your children's lives. I don't care. It's your families blood line that you're choosing to jeapordize. But if you decide you want to understand how they're doing it, here's some proof.

First is the psychological method. As you can see from the picture below, a mentalist was sent to brainwash children in New York. People inside the yellow region have been given earplugs which prevents them from intaking the deadly message that this man is transmitting. In the orange region, the children have clearly been poisoned from the inside-out. You can see it on their faces. The disinterested looks, the glassy eyes, the blank stares; all are classic symptoms of brainwashing-induced coma. The child in the red region is in the early stages of this syndrome.

As for the man hiding behind the mentalist, trying to appear nonchalant; he's the financier. His suit and tie are a dead giveaway that he's the money man behind this whole operation.

If the psychological method isn't effective, the NBA has also mobilized its most lethal killing machine.

Look at the glee on LeBron's face as he bowls over numerous children IN PLAIN SIGHT. 260 pounds of muscle and bone pounding in to the chest cavities of these youngsters, grinning as they are unaware of their impeding doom. This aggression must not go unchecked.

For years, the NBA has told us that they are trying to give back to the community through programs such as NBA Cares and the ill-fated association with Billy Crystal's Comic Relief. However, these two pictures clearly show the truly horrific nature of David Stern's covert operation to eliminate his foes. The only question, is "why?"