The Southwest Showdown

I have to tell you I am conflicted on who to pick for the Western Conference Finals.  The reason? Well there are so many tasty story lines for each team, we could serve them as a huge plate on an episode of Man v. Food.   There is so many things that interest me about this individual series, and then the series after it if either the Oklahoma City Thunder or Dallas Mavericks advance.  I don't care if I am the 2414th blogger to say this, but I am so happy to not see the same teams in the Conference Finals. It's a great change of pace, and either team in the NBA Finals will be a breath of fresh air. Hopefully I can figure out the pick by the end of this post.





NBA Playoffs 2011: Where
everyone including me jumped
back on the Dirk bandwagon



Dirk v. KD-  I trust Marc Stein of ESPN.com when he talks about Dallas, and he discussed at great length how Dirk isn't as bad of a defender that people make him out to be.  He says that he is a good team defender. I know he will not guard Kevin Durant, nor will Dirk guard KD, but he is one of the only players who can look Durant in the eye each time down the court. The funny thing is both of these players should guard each other, but worry about getting tired on the defensive end. I predict both guys have huge series unless they start matching up with each other. Also both of these players need to hammer the lane, and try to find the other so rack up the fouls early.

Old Fellas v. Young Gunnas- This is like watching a YMCA adult league where you see the older men maybe some former college stars taking the young, upbeat college kids for the championship. The Mavericks have a great number of players from my time growing up an NBA fan like Jason Kidd, Peja Stojakovic, Shawn Marion, Jason Terry, and even Dirk. All of these guys are ring-less, and everyone of them minus Dirk knows this is their last shot at an NBA title.

In the other corner, Durant ready to put himself on the next level of superstars in the NBA, Russell Westbrook making the argument for either being the best second banana in the NBA, or the next Stephon Marbury, and Serge Ibaka on the cusp of being an All-Star player on both ends of the court. I can almost guarantee you there will be some chippy play in the first two games as a way for each side to establish themselves, just like in Y ball. The old men want to show these 'kids' who owns the court.

J-Kidd v. Russ- I heard Kidd's quote yesterday saying Westbrook is the second-fastest point guard he faces in the league right now, other than NBA MVP Derrick Rose.  Kidd is a crafty veteran, but I find it hard to believe he will be able to keep up with Westbrook for the entire series. Although Kidd is drinking from the fountain of youth that Mark Cuban bought his team before the playoffs so who knows maybe he can do it.  I do believe unlike the Memphis series, this could be a Westbrook-first series.  I think my biggest beef with Westbrook's shooting has been his lack of finishing near the paint therefore it looks like a shittier shot than it actually was.  Also it's not his fault Scott Brooks coaches with a children book instead of a playbook.

Mark Cuban- Notice how Cubes (people who are cool with him can call him that) is barely doing any interviews during the playoffs?  Just giving emphatic gestures from his seat like a proud father at his son's high school game.  He isn't giving any quotables to the opposing team or bitching about the officials.  I figured out  the reason why... Cuban has been burned before by David Stern, and he will be damned if it happens again to him.  Cuban knows like the players do, they have a great opportunity to win the whole thing, and Cubes opening his mouth will cause more trouble than anything else.

Every and I mean every NBA conspiracy theorist knows that's true, and would also feel it is poetic justice if Stern hands Cuban, the Larry O'Brien Trophy after the Miami Screwjob.  In case you are wondering, this would rank 2nd in Awkward Sports Moments, only thing higher will be when Tiger Woods is set to win a major championship with his porn star girlfriend looking on.

Fear the Beard:  If I didn't mention James Harden, then I should not be discussing the NBA. Harden has finally stepped up to the plate and been the player we all expected him to be out of college. I have been very impressed with the way he has become a great role player for a playoff team. Also, if you are a regular reader here, you know I enjoy tremendous facial hair because I cannot grow a good beard to save my soul. The power of beard in sports has worked in mysterious ways this year with Brian Wilson's beard beginning the momentum then Brett Keisel's beard getting to the Super Bowl losing to one of the only things that can stop an epic beard.... the Green Bay Packers.  Also my buddy Microwave would probably pour a drink on me if I didn't add, he grew a Harden-like beard where I concluded he will be only non-Amish white guy to pull off this look.

Prediction: Originally in the latest Snotap pissing match also known as the NBA Bracket Challenge, I took the Thunder to the NBA Finals. So I would have to take them to win this series right?  Nope, I also took Dallas to lose in round 1 too, I think the Mavericks win because they have better coaching, not because they are more experienced, or Dirk is better than KD.  The Thunder will lose Game 5 or Game 6 because Scott Brooks gets outcoached by Rick Carlisle. After watching the three overtime game and other instances in the past month, I cannot trust Brooks any longer in this NBA Playoffs.


Dallas Mavericks in Six.

-Charlie.

What If Dirk Played For The Milwaukee Bucks?

Jason McIntyre who is a fantastic writer for The Big Lead posted a question on Twitter yesterday afternoon about if people remembered that Dirk Nowitzki got traded on draft day. As a Milwaukee Bucks fan, I sure as hell do, the Bucks traded Nowitzki away for Robert 'Tractor' Traylor, that's like dealing Kate Upton for Kristie Alley. My buddy Bails pointed out that the Mavs were the only team who went overseas to scout Dirk so this trade was pretty much inevitable, but here is my question… why the hell didn't the Bucks scout Dirk? If you think about Dirk is perfect for Milwaukee. He is German and Milwaukee is a German-based city. The man would have had a beer named after him by the third year plus so many more endorsements from the Brew City.




Whenever we talk about these what-if situations, people always wonder if a player would be the same if he played elsewhere. My answer would be yes for Nowitzki because I truly believe he is a top 20 player of all time right now, and will climb up that ladder if the Mavs win the NBA Finals. I think a majority of the NBA teams could have drafted Dirk, and he would have been a great player. I believe 1998 was the last year that the Bucks picked in the lottery for a long time because Ray Allen hit his stride, Sam Cassell was brought in, and Glenn 'Big Dog' Robinson had already been in his prime at the time of drafting him. Nowitzki would not have any pressure in Milwaukee, and been allowed to grow in the first couple years. Let's also remember the Bucks missed out on Paul Pierce who was drafted a spot below Dirk, got to love the Bucks in the NBA Draft! 


If the Bucks kept Dirk, they would have easily been in the NBA Finals. The 2001 team that should have been in the NBA Finals against the Los Angeles Lakers in the first place if it wasn't for David Stern playing the role of Vince McMahon guaranteeing the Philadelphia 76ers and Allen Iverson would be playing the Lake Show. It was a screw job, and everyone who watches basketball knows that. Sorry my rant is over about that, but Dirk would have played the four with a monster lineup that would have been the best team in the Eastern Conference. 


That team would have had Cassell-Allen-Big Dog-Nowitzki-Tragic Johnson with Tim Thomas coming off the bench as a vital sixth man. The other question I have, would Ray-Ray have played in Milwaukee for another 10 years? The naïve side of me that has purple jersey hanging in my childhood bedroom would like to think that could have been a possibility. To me, Dirk would have been the first basketball superstar the city of Milwaukee has seen in over 30 years. They had some great players in the 80s and in the 90s but no one at the level of Dirk. I do hope that Brandon Jennings or Andrew Bogut becomes that guy for a franchise that seems to be stuck in neutral.


The other side of this would be what if Dallas never got Dirk? I still think they find their superstar somewhere down the road because with Mark Cuban's money, they really were able to afford anyone. They might have kept Steve Nash and paired him up with another player. It's fun to play these sorts of games and wonder what if sometimes. Because these dreams will never be realities, rather just a wish that something better would have happened for your team. 

 
-Charlie.

Lights Out In Los Angeles?

I am really trying to remember the last time I remember a seven-game series in any sport that has been more polarizing than the Dallas Mavericks and the Los Angeles Lakers.  I mean I am stunned.  I thought it would be good series, and put my ass out there saying this would be the best series out of the four.  Now, the Mavs have the Lakers on the brink of getting bounced from the Western Conference Semifinals. Even though I am struggling this Saturday morning to find the words to talk about this series, I am going to do the best I can.  

Before we talk about the Lakers struggles, Dirk Nowitzki is playing out of his mind. There is no question who is the best player on the court in this series. It seems like no shot is impossible for Dirk right now. Last night watching the game with my friends, I think we thought every shot Dirk took down the stretch was going in. Funny thing, Dirk didn't miss. I have ragged on Dirk for his playoff misfortunes in the past couple of years, and I need to give a ton of credit when it's due.  

The Lakers are a mess.  Right now, they look like the model-thin hot girl who is celebrating her 21st birthday weekend.... Just a drunken mess. They have no team concept whatsoever. The Lake Show turned into the Shit Show. My friends and I could not believe that Kobe Bryant didn't touch the ball nearly enough in the final three minutes last night as Dallas went on a 17-5 run to close out Game 3. The crazy thing about it is Bryant didn't give up like he is sometimes known to do, rather every other player tried to get theirs. For example, Pau Gasol tried backing down Dirk then tried to hit him with a Dirk-like fade away, clank. Lamar Odom sized up a defender, and attempted to isolate with Kobe's hands failing in the air also a clank. This team's chemistry is destroyed.  

 The Lakers are like this long time cruise liner that used to be very luxurious, but has suddenly become old with holes. Those holes are Derek Fisher, Steve Blake, Matt Barnes, and Pau Gasol turning into Charmin again. This ship is sinking fast, and Kobe Bryant cannot save it. I don't think Kobe can no longer carry his team to victory.  He just doesn't seem to have the ability to do it anymore. It's crazy to say that, but I think the exorbitant amount of games has finally caught up to Mr. Bryant. 

A part of me wants to see the Lakers win Game 4 and then the possibility win Game 5 making this a series again. But the other part of me who hates dynasties wants to see this team just quit and give up get blasted by twenty plus tomorrow afternoon. Sunday, very well could end the latest era in the NBA. 

-Charlie.

Dirk Nowitzki is a Fan of Shakira

Dirk Nowitzki Has Had Enough of Mark Cuban

Mark Cuban: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU BEING FACETIOUS WITH ME? ARE YOU HAVING A JOKE WITH ME? ARE YOU TEASING ME? ARE YOU JOSHING ME? ARE YOU JASONING ME? ARE YOU THE OTHER JASONING ME? ARE YOU ERICKING ME? ARE YOU JOSEING ME? ARE YOU RODRIGUEING ME? ARE YOU SHAWING ME? ARE YOU RICKING ME? ARE YOU DREWING ME? ARE YOU EDUARDOING ME? ARE YOU DIRKING ME?

I didn't forget you, Dirk. I was saving you for last to really make my point.

Dirk Nowitzki: Was auch immer.

Little Baby Blowtorch

I've been reticent to mention this because I feel like it might be a little too personal. However, I need all of your help. My wife has been pregnant the last nine months.

Last night, our baby was born. Despite my protests, she wouldn't go for the name Bonesaw Michaeljordan Kerby. I don't know why not, either. But since it was the start of the NBA season last night, she agreed to let me name it after whoever I want. I've got some ideas.

Might go with the 'best player in the game' strategy.

LeBron Treymes Kerby

Might try to make him more exotic.

Pau Kerby

Might go old-school.

Bill Kerby

Might go new-school.

Blake Kerby

Might go for the best look.

Dirk Nowitzkerby

This is basically the most important decision of my life, so I need your help.

What do you think?

NBA Style Report - October 2009

Dirk Nowitzki

Walter Herrmann is like "nice hair." Then he rolled his eyes and palmed two basketballs in the same hand.

DOWNGRADE

Rasheed Wallace

For 63 years the Celtics have been a world class organization from the front office to the uniforms. Then they signed Sheed and told him it was okay to modify his sweatpants.

DOWNGRADE

Josh McRoberts
It's good to see that McRoberts has embraced the 'zany' bench guy role, albeit with the typical Duke twist (read: juiceboxy).

KIND OF AN UPGRADE

DeShawn Stevenson

Whoops! You still have a neck tattoo of Abraham Lincoln.

DOWNGRADE

Andrei Kirilenko
"I cahn't vait for Jim unt Pahm to be marry. I've been unt fan of John Krahseenski for long time."
UPGRADE

What I Learned This Weekend

Have you guys heard of learning? It's cool. Basically, you see, hear, or otherwise experience different events and then you use those events to make yourself smarter and more knowledgeable. I did learning this weekend. I watched television shows and basketball games quite a bit. I also throughthrew a softball.

But more important was the learning that I did. Here are some THINGS THAT I LEARNED THIS WEEKEND:

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Denver Nuggets coach George Karl takes grooming advice from the ghost of former President Gerald Ford.

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THE REASON WHY JR Smith copies famous celebrations is because if he were left to his own devices, he reverts to acting like Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson from the motion picture EdTV.

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• Using bullet points is a good way of making important information stick out.
• So is bolding random words.

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IN THE OFF-SEASON, Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki is the captain of a crab fishing ship called the Northwestern. His exploits are documented by the television show Deadliest Catch.

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• RANDOMLY CAPITALIZING words is also effective for drawing attention to notable happenings. It is called HODGMANCASE.

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FOR HALLOWEEN, JR Smith and Kenyon Martin plan on going as Redman and Method Man. The twist is that while Redman is lighter than Method Man, Kenyon is lighter than JR. This is called irony or the "yin-yang effect."

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WHILE WRITING THIS POST, I learned that I know how to spell McConaughey correctly.

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Go Green, Guys

Hey dudes, it's "Green Week" for the NBA. Maybe you haven't heard of the environment, but it needs us to "go green." This means we need to do things for the environment that make the environment not hate us. If we don't do this, the environment will make us want to kill ourselves in increasingly ludicrous ways, and who knows if Marky Mark will be able to save us again.

But there are things you can do to help make the environment happy. For instance, you can take part in the NBA's gimmick for a good cause. You can buy their organically made goods which will still clog landfills once you realize you bought a multi-colored basketball and recycled socks.

And once you get your shirt, you can look just as silly as Denver's mayor by wearing a t-shirt over your shirt and tie. This look was invented by bros at Express Men maybe 4 years ago, but when you combine it with an environmental-friendly bicycle you look super fresh.

Another option is to go the Phoenix Suns route. As you can see, they hired reality tv hopefuls to work both in their promotional department and in their roadside garbage pick-up crew. Those orange cargo pants are great for carrying your spec script, headshots, and of course great amounts of garbage.

Or here's an idea: give children Gift Cards. Yeah, they'll eventually just be thrown away after the kids get their hands on the newest all-over print hoodie, but at least it's better than an oversized check, a great signifier of excess and disregard for the environment.

Oops!Maybe you have a lot of labor to take care of around the house. Rather than using machinery that emits harmful toxic fumes, why not just buy a couple of local teenagers to do the dirty work?I saw what happened to everyone around Mark Wahlberg, and I don't want that to happen to us. I'm going to do my part by recycling memes. In fact, this very post is a Skeets post with a thin coat of cynicism.

If we all work together, we can help save the environment. Mark Wahlberg isn't going to be here forever. But even if he was, we don't need to see him put through the obvious stress and consternation that he went through that time everyone started stabbing themselves. Look how hard he had it back then.

Don't put him through that again.

Please consider the environment before printing this post.