Lights Out In Los Angeles?

I am really trying to remember the last time I remember a seven-game series in any sport that has been more polarizing than the Dallas Mavericks and the Los Angeles Lakers.  I mean I am stunned.  I thought it would be good series, and put my ass out there saying this would be the best series out of the four.  Now, the Mavs have the Lakers on the brink of getting bounced from the Western Conference Semifinals. Even though I am struggling this Saturday morning to find the words to talk about this series, I am going to do the best I can.  

Before we talk about the Lakers struggles, Dirk Nowitzki is playing out of his mind. There is no question who is the best player on the court in this series. It seems like no shot is impossible for Dirk right now. Last night watching the game with my friends, I think we thought every shot Dirk took down the stretch was going in. Funny thing, Dirk didn't miss. I have ragged on Dirk for his playoff misfortunes in the past couple of years, and I need to give a ton of credit when it's due.  

The Lakers are a mess.  Right now, they look like the model-thin hot girl who is celebrating her 21st birthday weekend.... Just a drunken mess. They have no team concept whatsoever. The Lake Show turned into the Shit Show. My friends and I could not believe that Kobe Bryant didn't touch the ball nearly enough in the final three minutes last night as Dallas went on a 17-5 run to close out Game 3. The crazy thing about it is Bryant didn't give up like he is sometimes known to do, rather every other player tried to get theirs. For example, Pau Gasol tried backing down Dirk then tried to hit him with a Dirk-like fade away, clank. Lamar Odom sized up a defender, and attempted to isolate with Kobe's hands failing in the air also a clank. This team's chemistry is destroyed.  

 The Lakers are like this long time cruise liner that used to be very luxurious, but has suddenly become old with holes. Those holes are Derek Fisher, Steve Blake, Matt Barnes, and Pau Gasol turning into Charmin again. This ship is sinking fast, and Kobe Bryant cannot save it. I don't think Kobe can no longer carry his team to victory.  He just doesn't seem to have the ability to do it anymore. It's crazy to say that, but I think the exorbitant amount of games has finally caught up to Mr. Bryant. 

A part of me wants to see the Lakers win Game 4 and then the possibility win Game 5 making this a series again. But the other part of me who hates dynasties wants to see this team just quit and give up get blasted by twenty plus tomorrow afternoon. Sunday, very well could end the latest era in the NBA. 

-Charlie.

DOY: Kobe Bryant

I missed this dunk watching hockey last night. The Black Mamba just destroyed Emeka Okafor, I mean destroyed him. Kobe hasn't done this to a player in a long time.  Also the secret to last night's victory was Kobe not shooting as much, but shhh don't tell anybody.

-Charlie.

A $100K Swear Word

A new precedent has been set in the NBA by fining players when they get caught swearing on T.V. Kobe Bryant was caught on T.V. Tuesday night yelling at a ref after getting a technical foul by saying, "Fucking faggot." The fine for this obscene remark is $100,000. $100,000 for swearing? The fact that he is fined and the amount he is fined is extreme for just saying a few derogatory words. Players of any sport curse during the course of a game and it gets caught on T.V. but no fines are ever handed out. I do not understand what is so different about this situation.



Bryant obviously did not mean to imply that the ref was actually a homosexual. As bad as it may be, the term "faggot" has become a slang slur that many people use on a daily basis. Kobe apologized for the comment today by releasing this statement: "What I said last night should not be taken literally. My actions were out of frustration during the heat of the game, period. The words expressed do NOT reflect my feelings towards the gay and lesbian communities and were NOT meant to offend anyone." Kobe, as well as anyone who has played competitive sports before, realized that he made this comment during a game where his adrenaline was racing and it is hard to control what you say. I probably have used "faggot" before during a game in referring to an opposing player or a ref. Does that make me prejudice towards gays? No. It is just something said out of frustration that is not really meant to mean what the term is.

David Stern made this comment while announcing the fine of Kobe, "Kobe and everyone associated with the NBA know that insensitive or derogatory comments are not acceptable and have no place in our game or society." So Mr. Stern, the next time I hear a player calling another player the "N" word during a broadcast, should I expect to see a fine coming because he is insensitive towards African-Americans? I think this phrase occurs more often than that case of Kobe's slur. You cannot pick and choose which slurs are considered insensitive and which ones are "ok" to say.

You think Kenyon Martin got fined for making these comments after a game against the Mavs?(Nnnnnooooooo)

Kobe Still Hates Smush Parker

(Props to The Big Lead and LA Times for the video)

Gotta love Kobe.  I mean I cannot blame the guy for hating Smush Parker who made Kobe do everything instead of being a good wingman like Derek Fisher.  Where is Smush by the way? Is he even playing in the D-League anymore? I do know he would be a worthy point guard on the Heatles though, heeeyyoo! 

-Charlie.

DOY: Kobe Bryant

Slow day on the Tap.  I am assuming everyone is busy with shoveling and school work. If you missed last night's All Star Game, it ended up being pretty special.  LeBron James had the second triple-double in All Star Game history, and almost willed his team back to victory. Kobe Bryant dropped 38 and 14 taking home the MVP honors. Also Bryant had a nice dunk over Mr. James, enjoy.

-Charlie.

Classic DOY: Kobe Bryant

Simmons posted this in his column today and it's good enough to share with the rest of you. The top comment is Kobe Bryant baptized Dwight Howard.  Great comment, I agree.  This would be definitely in my top five favorite Kobe dunks of all time. Also Dwight Howard was a BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAANPPPPOOOOLE, sorry for the inside joke.  

-Charlie.

Communication Problems in Los Angeles

Ron, we on the same team. You don't have to guard me anymore.

Knees bent. See the ball. On the line, up the line.

Ron, did you hear me? Stop guarding me.

I miss you, Michael. I miss you so much.

Stephen Jackson is under the basket shooting a layup right now.

I'ma boil me some boot stew. For reals.

Wonderful. They just scored because you're guarding me.

Love being a Laker so much. Sup, Kobe? You say something?

LeBron, Kobe, and the Battle of Asia

Kinda worried about Asia, guys. Follow this chain of events:

First, Kobe Bryant forces the Lakers to sign Sun Yue as an olive branch of sorts to the Chinese. However, because it's Kobe, there's more to the signing. He knows that adding a Chinese player to the roster increases his visability in China. Following the signing, Kobe makes Sun Yue sit next to him on every airplane and bus ride they take, even though he doesn't speak a word of Chinese.

Then, LeBron James convinces Nike to run in ad campaign in China, depicting him as the rightful heir to the throne formerly inhabited by the Bearded Man and Young Girl. As all Chinese know, these two former rulers were ousted by the Angry Man who has tyrannically ruled over China for centuries. Not until LeBron have the Chinese had a worthy adversary to Angry Man.

Then, Kobe takes a tour of Asia where he promotes his super light shoe. At every turn he derides LeBron's shoe for being too clunky. The Chinese take a liking to Kobe's shoes, mostly because they look better with high-end denim. Also, they're not that upset with Angry Man, he's just misunderstood.

Angered that Kobe has usurped his throne as reigning shoe maven in China, LeBron installs a massive video screen in his house that allows him to interact with the Chinese in real time. The video screen is wired in to China's closed circuit television mainframe, which gives LeBron the ability to interrupt any program with very important news. As you can see, the Chinese are delighted.

Finally, Kobe commissions the construction of a large, friendly looking robot which has been embraced by the Chinese. Unbeknownst to them, however, the robot is programmed so that if LeBron ever interrupts a Kobe commeercial or program it will systematically destroy whichever metropolis it is near. Savvy as he is, Kobe informed LeBron of this robot's capabilities and programming, leaving the onus on LeBron to not invoke it's wrath, in essence limiting LeBron's television control.

As you can see, LeBron and Kobe are at a standstill in the Asian markets. This perilous truce could eventually lead to out and out destruction and sure retaliation. I encourage you to write your local councilman protesting the arms race in Asia and the Pacific Islands. It is only a matter of time before these two rivals incite a third World War.

New Signature Shoes

I was on the information superhighway earlier today, transversing the shoe blog exits when I found the following shoes. It took some digging, but I was able to find out which shoes belong to which people. Let's take a look.

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Dahntay Jones

As the head of a growing consulting company, I'm a little surprised that Dahntay Jones's people are supporting a shoe like this. I mean, he's kind of already got a rep as a "dirty player," and wearing shoes with a bunch of tiny knives on them isn't going to help. However, in this economy, you've got to do what you can to bring in money.

Grant Hill

Aside from his basketball skills, piano skills, and strikingly large ears, Grant Hill is most well-known for his ankle injuries. Putting him in a fancy splint isn't just good business sense, it's also a nice step towards rebranding Hill's various maladies. If you can convince people that hurting your feet is cool, then maybe they won't think his massive contracts were a colossal waste of money.

Kobe Bryant

His last signature shoe, the Zoom Kobe 4, was about as minimalistic as a basketball sneaker could be. Until now. Yeah, these are ostensibly high-tops (compared to his previous lows), but the removal of all nonessential material is pretty amazing from a design standpoint. Furthermore, since it's Kobe, you know he has the newest features, such as a sole that has no cushioning, which somehow still provides cushioning.

I'm constantly amazed by the innovations in shoe design. As soon as Blowtorch Consulting gets big enough, we'll probably land a deal with a brand and then make amazing shoes. Until then, enjoy these player editions!

Art Review: Being a Kobe Fan

Summary: A Kobe Bryant fan is surrounded by various tormented characters. Also, there is a red string.

Insight: To truly understand this masterpiece, each image must be considered by itself, but the entire picture must be assessed as a whole.

Beginning with the maniacally smiling fellow on the left of the picture, we see the immense joy that Kobe winning a title "by himself" brought to fans. Continuing counterclockwise we encounter a bearded, balding man. It can easily be assumed that this man is European, since he looks like a stereotypical cab driver seen in 1980s movies. This is likely an allusion to Pau Gasol, and a statement that says Kobe didn't necessarily win by himself.

The child to the right of the European is clearly pained. We must assume that this character represents the brattiness that Kobe showed as a youngster in the NBA. Since the Kobe character has his back turned to the child, we can infer that he has turned his back on these childish ways. The guy with the scarf/neck brace is the definition of Los Angeles superficiality. He is turned away from Kobe and seems nonplussed. This shows that even though Kobe is a huge sports star, not all of Los Angeles is impressed with him.

The last two notable images are the dual images which represent Phil Jackson. At the top, we see controlling hands, and in the bottom right, a man with an eyepatch. The displaced hands, clearly, are a reference to Jackson's hands-off coaching philosophy. And the way that the eyepatched man and Kobe are sharing a glance confers that they know something no one else does. It is likely the eyepatch represents Jackson's leaving the Lakers for a short period before returning.

Lastly, the red string which ties everyone together is obviously a call-out to Kobe's Michael Jordan obsession, a driving force throughout his career. I think we all know what the blonde woman represents.

Estimated price at auction: $5-10 (this looks like a high school art project)

Kobe Bryant: Too Concerned with Peace?

Guys, I'm kind of worried. I've been doing some investigation lately, on the information superhighway. I'm pretty well-trained on most detective techniques, including but not limited to:

• smoking out perps
• stakeouts
• disguise
• fake names
• mirrored aviators

Needless to say, I know what I'm doing. And I think I'm on to something big. Check out these latest photos of "Kobe Bryant," if that's even his real name. They're from his "Asia Tour."

Did you notice it? Probably not, because you haven't taken several correspondence courses on espionage like I have. To your untrained eye, you just see "Kobe Bryant," if that's even his real name. But to my more discouraging eye, I noticed that in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE he is giving a peace sign. Seems fishy.

And check out this one:

By now you know how to look for clues like the peace sign, but did you recognize that there are now TWO peace signs? Don't worry if you didn't, this is advanced sleuthing. Now if those original pictures seemed fishy, then this one seems TWICE as fishy, because there are two peace signs.

Now most amateur detectives, like The Big Lead, would halt their investigation here and libel the suspected parties. But not me. I went deeper. Check this out:

Can you see it? No, not the peace sign. Not the Bro either. The shirt "Kobe," if that's even his real name, is wearing. It's from this year's All Star Game, which was five months ago. So we know that this has been going on a long time.

What's the angle here?

What is "Kobe Bryant's," if that's even his real name, plan?

Is he trying to throw people off his scent by constantly preaching peace?

Might he be attempting to overthrow V.A.S.T. through his own shadow company?

Is this "peace sign" really some sort of trigger for his operatives?

I don't know yet. I have to keep digging...without a shovel.

Kobe Bryant Status Update

Hey guys, LeBron James here.

It's been a while since we last spoke, and I wanted to fill everyone in on what's happened since my last appearance. There have been some problems with the Kobe Bryant re-growth program.

As you can see from that picture, Kobe appears to have reverted to about 70% his normal size. V.A.S.T. scientists have assured me that they've encountered this in previous re-growths, and that Kobe should be back to full size in no time. In fact, because his bones didn't stretch so quickly, they'll be stronger due to the prolonged re-growth period.

Thanks for sticking with us through this waiting game. I'll be sure to let you know when Kobe is back to full strength.

A Few Words from V.A.S.T. CEO LeBron James

Hey America, CEO and co-founder of Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies, LeBron James here. I just wanted to let you all know that our shrinking experiment has been a great success.

Also, the resizing program is going according to schedule. Mr. Bryant has already returned to 95% of his original size. We anticipate that the process will be completed early next week. Thank you for your support and concern.

Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies' Shrinking Ray

Hi, I'm LeBron James, basketball player for the Cleveland Cavaliers, MVP of the NBA, but most importantly, CEO and founder of Variegated Advanced Scientific Technologies, V.A.S.T. for short.

For the past three years, V.A.S.T. has championed the advancement of science and technology, and has made many discoveries that will change your life. We've funded private space travel, travelled back and forth in time, and have even implanted hydraulic endoskeletons. And while our successes haven't yet been made public, all that changes today.

That's right. For the first time ever, V.A.S.T. will be performing a public testing of one of our newest products. We've been working on our shrinking ray for about a year now, and after doing some animal testing we've finally perfected the molecular biology that allows us to shrink any object to any size. In fact, that was the easy part. Getting the object back to normal size has been tricky, but we've got that covered too. So let's get this thing fired up.

Since this is such a new technology, we couldn't let our test subject know ahead of time what we'd be doing. However, this is totally safe, and my engineers have informed me that there is little to no chance of any injury. With that in mind, I'd like to present our test subject, Mr. Kobe Bryant.

As you can see in this "before" picture, Kobe fills out his suit quite well. It's perfectly tailored to his body, snug where it should be, but not restrictive. Keep that in mind while I set the V.A.S.T. shrinking ray to 85%. Here we go.

shoots Kobe with ray

Look at that! He's swimming in his clothes! And those headphones look enormous! Clearly, this is another in a long line of successes for V.A.S.T. Since we're not ready to debut our resizing program quite yet, we'll have to take Kobe back to our laboratories. But rest assured, he'll be back to full size in no time.

Thank you everyone for being here. Remember V.A.S.T. isn't just for me, it's for all of us.

1000 Words: Jon Hamm is Trying to Act Here

"Look, I realize you're brooding. But what do you want me to do? I can't get him to stop yelling about the Lakers."

via

Investigating Kobe Bryant's Sheath Logo

There's an old saying, "If you win the MVP, people will make a ton of shoes about it." It's not a particularly good saying, but I think it fits. Since the season got over, there have been a ridiculous amount of Kobe Bryant shoes, shirts, and baked goods made available that celebrate his first MVP. This does not trouble me. Kobe is a marketable athlete who is becoming less and less unlikeable by the year. Get money and all that.

What troubles me is his logo.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why Kobe has this logo. First of all, it sucks. You can't look at that and discern for any reason why that might be Kobe Bryant's logo. It kinda looks like a T, but I'm guessing it's not in honor of the last letter of his last name. It's the wackness.

Possibly even more infuriating than a purely non-sensical logo is that it is supposedly a sheath. Assuming that this would be a sheath that covers a sword of some sort, more questions are raised. Why does Kobe get a sheath? He's not a trained swordsman, he was raised in Italy, and there is no conceivable scenario that incorporates Kobe Bryant listening to the Wu-Tang Clan. Admittedly, if Kobe were a Wu-Tang fan he'd be a GZA guy, but that's beside the point -- Kobe Bryant would not listen to Wu-Tang.

I've gone astray. Back to the lecture at hand.

Kobe is not a samurai sword kind of guy. He's not any sort of guy except a basketball guy, really. It's known that Kobe is obsessed with his sport, so trying to relate him to other areas rings false to me. Ergo, I do not like his logo.

However, if you flip his logo over, I think the logo makes a bit more sense.

You see, Kobe's a dick.