Dirk Nowitzki is a Fan of Shakira

Dirk Nowitzki Has Had Enough of Mark Cuban

Mark Cuban: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU BEING FACETIOUS WITH ME? ARE YOU HAVING A JOKE WITH ME? ARE YOU TEASING ME? ARE YOU JOSHING ME? ARE YOU JASONING ME? ARE YOU THE OTHER JASONING ME? ARE YOU ERICKING ME? ARE YOU JOSEING ME? ARE YOU RODRIGUEING ME? ARE YOU SHAWING ME? ARE YOU RICKING ME? ARE YOU DREWING ME? ARE YOU EDUARDOING ME? ARE YOU DIRKING ME?

I didn't forget you, Dirk. I was saving you for last to really make my point.

Dirk Nowitzki: Was auch immer.

Preparing a Dallas Mavericks Steak

Yield: 1 Dallas Mavericks Steak

Ingredients:

1 horse-shaped steak
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon cumin
14 oz. ginger ale
Coarse kosher salt
Picture of Jamal Mashburn
8 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon finely ground gingersnap cookie dust
3 oz. goose grease

Preparation:

Combine ginger ale, six tablespoons of oil, and goose grease in gallon plastic bag. Add steak. Marinate outside in 100 degree heat, with 89% humidity for 14-16 days. Remove from marinade and place steak on picture of Jamal Mashburn (can substitute Erick Strickland or Martin Muursepp depending on preference) for 24 minutes.

While steak is on picture, heat non-stick skillet and remaining olive oil on high, until smoking. After 24 minutes, remove steak from picture and place on skillet. Place oregano in a small mound on the non-cooked side, and eat half of the gingersnap cookies. After 6-8 minutes, flip steak, keeping the oregano mound intact. Place cumin in a small mound on the side of the steak that is facing up. The mound should be exactly opposite of the oregano mound, making the eyes of the horse. Cook for 6-8 minutes. Eat other half of gingersnap cookies.

Remove from heat and place on massive flatscreen LCD television. Add salt to taste.

Upon Kris Humphries Assuming Wolf Form

Kinda worried, guys.

I was reading the Internet and I came across this poster of Kris Humphries starring in the documentary New Moon.

Clearly this means that Kris Humphries is a werewolf. Clearly, werewolves are dangerous. They are known to eat humans, livestock, and sometimes Cobb salads. Clearly werewolves will eat whatever, so we need to be prepared for when Kris Humphries transforms from human to werewolf. Clearly.

Now, I have it under good authority that the Dallas Mavericks have undertaken strict precautions for employing a werewolf. Mark Cuban has developed a sophisticated 'moon catcher' that blocks moon rays from reaching Humphries' skin, preventing transformation. However, not all teams have adopted this technology, so I have put together a short guide for protecting yourself from WereKris. Here are the DOs and DO NOTs of werewolf safety:

• DO NOT attend Dallas Maverick games when a full moon is expected.
• DO always carry several steaks with you whenever the Mavericks are scheduled near your city. If WereKris attacks, throw a steak as far as you can, then run in the other direction.
• DO NOT forget to throw all of the steaks in different directions, otherwise WereKris will still smell the steaks you left in your pockets, and eat those steaks and probably your legs..
  
• DO wear cargo pants for maximum steak-holding efficacy.
• DO NOT listen to "She Wolf" by Shakira within a 50 mile radius of WereKris. That's just asking for trouble.
• DO fashion a shirt of mistletoe if it is confirmed that Humphries has transformed. Not only does the plant sometimes ward off werewolves, it also might get you a kiss when he becomes human again.
• DO NOT try to kiss Kris Humphries if he is in werewolf form.
• DO arm yourself with a revolver loaded with pure silver bullets. This is just good advice in general. You never know when things might get shoot-y.
• DO NOT investigate the Shrieking Shack or what is under the Whomping Willow.
• DO ask Professor Snape for a flask of Wolfsbane potion. Just in case.
  

From all the reading I've done on werewolves (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Wikipedia) it seems like we can co-exist with werewolves as long as we are careful. Constant vigilance is needed to stay alive. It's like I always say, "stay alive to stay alive."

"Stay alive to stay alive."
-- Trey Kerby, 1984-2012