RetroTorch: Brian Winters Joins the Bucks

What's goin' on, sissies?

Name's Brian. Brian Winters. Yeah, you know me.

I'm here because you idiots traded Jabbar. Good one, ya jugheads.

You think I want to be in Wisconsin? This time last year I'm catching perch off the Santa Monica Pier, and now I've gotta choose which of 18 different cheeses I want on my grilled cheese.

Oh, you like my stache? Sure you do. I grew it as a joke cause I knew you jerks are in to that sort of thing.

Let's play some basketball. Give it to the big man and work inside out. Some good basketball. That's what you guys do here, right? No? Oh yeah, you traded your big man. Good one.

I can't believe you bunch of stupids won a title. How's Brian Winters supposed to make things work here? Want me to grow a beard and get a pair of goggles? Too bad. I hate skiing.

If you need me, I'll be parting my hair.

Great News

1. Brandon Jennings has adopted Armon Gilliam's haircut from a 1991 basketball card.
2. Someone gave Daniel Artest a job.
3. If you Google "armon gilliam flattop," this site is the number one result. I finally made it, Mom.
   

Dan Gadzuric is a Friendly Defender

Come here Jer-rreeee. Give Dan Dan a huggy wuggy wugglesons. Just a quick little hug, Jerry. Not a big dealey. Just a huggy wuggy wugglesons between two friendy wendy friendersons.

Awww, that's nice Jerry. You're letting Danny Boy give you a huggles.

Oh.

Oh no.

JER-RREEEE! You dunked on Dannity Kane! That wasn't very nice, Jerry. Be a good friend, geeeeeeez.

Brandon Jennings' New Shoes

As you already know, I'm a very powerful advertising executive.

Heeeeeyyy. You want some ads?

And you already know that I'm down with shoes.

Heeeeeyyy. You want some shoes?

But you probably didn't know that I was working closely with Under Armour to create the newest shoe for their biggest (and only) NBA endorser, Brandon Jennings. Brandon wanted to go with something that represented his team, the Milwaukee Bucks. I think we subtly alluded to that with this newest signature shoe, the BJ2.

The BJ2

There's some pretty impressive performance features. The zipper helps to maintain the low profile that Brandon likes, and the Hoof Bottom^TM allows for forefoot flexibility. Of course the coarse deer hair (obtained from real deer carcasses*) let's Brandon's foot breath, while keeping it dry and warm. The extended Deer Ankle Technology^TM gives support to both high and low ankle sprains.

Inspiration

We really looked to nature on this project, and I think it turned out pretty well. In fact, Brandon was wearing the shoes during his 55 point explosion. That's a pretty ringing endorsement. Right now, the shoes aren't available for the public, but they will be released over All Star Weekend. These will be especially great during the cold winter months. Stay tuned for further updates.

*No deer were harmed in the making of the BJ2. All hair was obtained from a roadkill exchange initiative in the Milwaukee area.

1000 Words: Ersan Ilyasova Returns

It wasn't the two years of seasoning in Europe that convinced Milwaukee to bring back Ersan Ilyasova; it was the dedication to the Bucks aesthetic that sold them.

A Milwaukee Bucks Fan Attends the Gathering of the Juggalos

WASSUP FELLOW JUGGALOS!!! Good to see you guys again this year. Missed you guys. No one back home "gets me." It's good to be among friends. Love the face paint Theresa. Very authentic.

How about those Bucks?! They have been making all kinds of moves. It's going to be an exciting team, right?

Anways, Bogut's back. We got Jennings in the draft, which seems pretty cool. Sucks to lose RJ, but he was such a pretty boy, so I'm not too sad. And Michael Redd, dude. You know I love me some Michael Redd. Totally worth the contract, right?

Right?

Doesn't anyone want to talk Bucks basketball?

No one?

You want to do what?

With an animal?

A DEAD animal?

I didn't know it was that kind of gathering. That's pretty gross, dude.

Whatever. If you need me, I'll be in the woods, setting off M-80s. Let's rage, I guess. Rage away.

The Milwaukee Bucks Aren't a Great Draw

I get it. The Bucks aren't a glamorous team. Their jerseys are boring. They're a bad team. Their players are terrifying.

I understand.

It's no surprise that they don't bring out the biggest stars in L.A. For instance:

A lower tier "starlet" and her Adam Levine/Brody Jenner imitation boyfriend. Or:A knock-off Harrison Ford type.

The Staples center is a place to be seen, and since no self-respecting celebrity is going to waste their precious time watching a basketball game, why should any real celebrity attend. That's why you get has-beens and never-will-be's at a Bucks game in November. That makes sense to me.

Apparently, it makes sense to Phil Jackson too. How else can you explain him playing a Yi Jianlian knock-off?

All that being said, nothing will justify this:

C'mon people. I thought we were past the socks and Birkenstocks. I guess it's true what they say: You can't kill hippies, no matter how hard you try.

(No hippies were harmed in the making of this joke.)

Reasons No One Wants to Play for the Bucks

I was in Wisconsin the past three days, doing things one would do while in Wisconsin. These things included eating, sleeping, going on a lake, and trying to find things to do. With that in mind, I've broken the code on why no NBA player actually wants to play for the Bucks. Here's some facts about Wisconsin that might influence a players decision:

• the nicest restaurant in all of Wisconsin is called Scuttlebutt's.
• sure, you can buy fudge from a confectioner, but it's recommended to buy it from "an old lady up the road who makes it everyday."
• the most attractive female I saw in three days had a broken arm in a full cast.
• the only non-white people in the state are tourists and athletes.
• you can only enjoy a jetski for an hour at a time, tops.
• it's "hot" when it's 80 degrees, which isn't actually hot.
• pieces of random Bucks gear seen this week? Zero items.
• uniforms are Christmas colors.
• fattest state ever even if studies don't back it up.
• the accents.

In all honesty, I like Wisconsin a normal amount. Sure there's no culture, virtuallly zero good-looking women, and a lack of culinary delights outside of The Mars Cheese Castle but places like Madison (where m'lady attended college) are great. The people are nice (and fat). They have motorcycle races up enormous hills. It's relaxing in a "I don't have to do anything ever" way. These are good things.

For real though, you can see why Yi and Richard Jefferson aren't the biggest fans. At least Minnesota has Prince.

Steven A. Smith Interviews Joe Alexander

(click for video)

Steven A. Smith: Joe, you were drafted by THE Milwaukee Bucks. Congratulations!

Joe Alexander: THANK YOU, STEVEN A.! ... STEVEN A., AS YOU KNOW, THE MILWAUKEE BUCKS ARE A GOOD BASKETBALL TEAM! I THINK WE WILL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS NEXT YEAR!

Steven A. Smith: Easy, bro.

Joe Alexander: "EASY, BRO" IS RIGHT, STEVEN A.! THE BUCKS ARE BACK!

Steven A. Smith: No! I mean, don’t SHOUT like that, my man. That’s my thing.

Joe Alexander: LISTEN, STEVEN A., I HAVE A DISEASE! ... I SUFFER FROM VOICE IMMODULATION! ... I'M UNABLE TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OR INFLECTION OF MY VOICE! ... THIS IS NOT "SHOUTING" -- IT IS TALKING!

Steven A. Smith: It's just-- couldn't you take a deep breath, lower your voice, or whateva?

Joe Alexander: HOW DARE YOU?! I CANNOT DO THAT! I HAVE AN AFFLICTION THAT IS RECOGNIZED BY THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION AND ITS BRITISH COUNTERPART! EVERY YEAR, AS MANY AS SIX PEOPLE ARE STRICKEN BY THIS HORRIBLE ... HORRIBLE DISEASE! IT COULD STRIKE ANYONE AT ANY TIME -- PROVIDED THEY WERE BORN AT LEAST TWO MONTHS LATE AND HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO GOLD DUST!

Steven A. Smith: Gold dust, Joe?

Joe Alexander: OH, IT'S FUNNY TO YOU! IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, STEVEN A., A LIFE IN WHICH YOU HOLD YOUR BABY DAUGHTER IN YOUR ARMS AND TRY TO EASE HER BACK TO SLEEP! HUSH HUSH! GO TO SLEEP! DADDY LOVES YOU! ... OR IMAGINE YOU'RE AT CHURCH WHISPERING A SECRET AND SILENT PRAYER TO GOD! "OH, PLEASE, DEAR GOD! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?! I HATE YOU, GOD! PLEASE TAKE AWAY THIS TERRIBLE AFFLICTION! AND ALSO LET ME FIND A BAG OF MONEY!" THAT IS MY HELL, STEVEN A.! ... I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON ANYONE!

MAYBE ON YOU, STEVEN A., BUT NO ONE ELSE!

Steven A. Smith: Hey! Hey, that's mean!

Joe Alexander: I APOLOGIZE! THAT LAST PART WAS ACTUALLY MUTTERED UNDER MY BREATH! ... BUT I CAN'T MUTTER UNDER MY BREATH, CAN I?! ... YOU JERK! THAT WAS UNDER MY BREATH ALSO! YOU IDIOT!

Steven A. Smith: Just stop--

Joe Alexander: UNDER MY BREATH AGAIN!

Steven A. Smith: Will you stop, Joe?

Joe Alexander: I THINK I WILL, STEVEN A.! I THINK I WILL!