The Blowtorch Presents ... The Worst of the Best

Play The Blowtorch Presents...The Worst of the Best

Wherein:

• The five worst NBA players are discussed.
• At least four fellow bloggers are shouted out.
• Joe Alexander is interviewed.
• Music from the Knux
  
  

Joe Alexander Attends a Screening of The Dark Knight

OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GET TO SEE THIS MOVIE EARLY! IT'S GOING TO BE OUT OF THIS WORLD!

Joe's friend: Sssssshhhhh.

YOU JERKS! YOU KNOW I'M WHISPERING RIGHT NOW! I HATE ALL OF YOU AND YOUR STUPID VOLUME-CONTROLLED VOICES!

Joe's friend: Easy, Joe.

SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE UP, CHAS! LET'S WATCH THE MOVIE!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS HEATH LEDGER'S LAST MOVIE?! HE'S TERRIFYING IN THIS! DON'T GO IN THERE, BATMAN! DON'T DO IT!

Joe's friend: You can't say things like that, Joe.

I'LL SAY WHAT I WANT CHAS! THIS IS AMERICA! IF I WANT TO TELL A FICTIONAL CHARACTER THAT HE SHOULD BE WARY OF CHASING A MANIAC NAMED THE JOKER THAN I WILL TELL HIM THAT! YOUR MOTHER WEARS COMBAT BOOTS!

Joe's friend: Excuse me?

I SAID THAT I LIKE BATMAN'S BOOTS, YOU JUICEBAG!

Joe's friend: Did you just call me a juicebag? I don't even know what that means.

THAT WAS UNDER MY BREATH! YOU SERIOUSLY ARE A JUICEBAG THOUGH! TOTAL JUICEBAG!

THIS MOVIE IS SO GREAT! WE'RE LUCKY NO ONE WAS HERE TO RUIN IT!

Steven A. Smith Interviews Joe Alexander

(click for video)

Steven A. Smith: Joe, you were drafted by THE Milwaukee Bucks. Congratulations!

Joe Alexander: THANK YOU, STEVEN A.! ... STEVEN A., AS YOU KNOW, THE MILWAUKEE BUCKS ARE A GOOD BASKETBALL TEAM! I THINK WE WILL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS NEXT YEAR!

Steven A. Smith: Easy, bro.

Joe Alexander: "EASY, BRO" IS RIGHT, STEVEN A.! THE BUCKS ARE BACK!

Steven A. Smith: No! I mean, don’t SHOUT like that, my man. That’s my thing.

Joe Alexander: LISTEN, STEVEN A., I HAVE A DISEASE! ... I SUFFER FROM VOICE IMMODULATION! ... I'M UNABLE TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OR INFLECTION OF MY VOICE! ... THIS IS NOT "SHOUTING" -- IT IS TALKING!

Steven A. Smith: It's just-- couldn't you take a deep breath, lower your voice, or whateva?

Joe Alexander: HOW DARE YOU?! I CANNOT DO THAT! I HAVE AN AFFLICTION THAT IS RECOGNIZED BY THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION AND ITS BRITISH COUNTERPART! EVERY YEAR, AS MANY AS SIX PEOPLE ARE STRICKEN BY THIS HORRIBLE ... HORRIBLE DISEASE! IT COULD STRIKE ANYONE AT ANY TIME -- PROVIDED THEY WERE BORN AT LEAST TWO MONTHS LATE AND HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO GOLD DUST!

Steven A. Smith: Gold dust, Joe?

Joe Alexander: OH, IT'S FUNNY TO YOU! IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, STEVEN A., A LIFE IN WHICH YOU HOLD YOUR BABY DAUGHTER IN YOUR ARMS AND TRY TO EASE HER BACK TO SLEEP! HUSH HUSH! GO TO SLEEP! DADDY LOVES YOU! ... OR IMAGINE YOU'RE AT CHURCH WHISPERING A SECRET AND SILENT PRAYER TO GOD! "OH, PLEASE, DEAR GOD! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?! I HATE YOU, GOD! PLEASE TAKE AWAY THIS TERRIBLE AFFLICTION! AND ALSO LET ME FIND A BAG OF MONEY!" THAT IS MY HELL, STEVEN A.! ... I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON ANYONE!

MAYBE ON YOU, STEVEN A., BUT NO ONE ELSE!

Steven A. Smith: Hey! Hey, that's mean!

Joe Alexander: I APOLOGIZE! THAT LAST PART WAS ACTUALLY MUTTERED UNDER MY BREATH! ... BUT I CAN'T MUTTER UNDER MY BREATH, CAN I?! ... YOU JERK! THAT WAS UNDER MY BREATH ALSO! YOU IDIOT!

Steven A. Smith: Just stop--

Joe Alexander: UNDER MY BREATH AGAIN!

Steven A. Smith: Will you stop, Joe?

Joe Alexander: I THINK I WILL, STEVEN A.! I THINK I WILL!