Stephen Jackson Joins the Bobcats

Wait.

I'm for real a Bobcat?

Like really? Like I play for the Bobcats now? That's for real?

Dag, yo.

And this my uniform? With like, the stripes but then sometimes no stripes? And this trim stuff that's like 18 different colors? For serious?

Dag, yo.

This is MESSED up. I was like "yo trade me Nellie," but I didn't mean to the Bobcats. Not cool, man. I was like hoping to get on a good team or something. But the Bobcats?

Dag, yo.

Yo, who plays guard around this piece? Who Murray? Flip? That his real name? Grown man call himself Flip. That ain't right. Forget it mang, I'ma play for y'all. I can do that, for...for you. But I'ma shoot. "Flip" Murray think he the only guard with a goatee and headband that gonna shoot, he's outta his mind.

THERE'S A DUDE NAMED BORIS ON THIS TEAM?? This ain't no Rocky and Bullwinkle type joke right? For real. His name is Boris?

Dag, yo.

At least he big though. Must be able to dunk something fierce.

He can't dunk?? For real? Man 6 foot 8 and can't dunk. You serious?

Dag, yo.

I guess y'all need scoring, right? Stephen Jackson can score for you. Stephen Jackson going to score for you. Like for real. Like lots of scoring for you. I'ma get my shots. Don't you worry. I'll do it for you, Bobcats.

Dag, yo.

The Bobcats...for real.

I Made It

Guys, I was violently ill this week. I couldn't even sleep through the night and I ate about 150 Tums in 2 days. I didn't know if I was going to live through it. My life flashed before my eyes. It was like watching a Brad Miller video, but with somewhat less headbands. I was terrified.

Would I ever get to see the Bulls make the playoffs again? Would I ever get to make a really good sign for them?

It was horrible. Laying there on my couch, I was pleading. If Carl Landry can get shot and live through it, why do I have to die from eating two bowls of chili at 10:00 pm? Then I started thinking, will I ever get to see Carl Landry play again?

I mean, he got shot, you guys. Just in the leg, but it's still significant. 50 Cent got shot 9 times and he's alive. Didn't I deserve to live? I had just started to go green, too. I think I was making an impact. My movement, the go green movement that I created, has already reached Los Angeles.

Sure, some people have taken it too far. Like the Bobcats. They just made a joke of my movement with their silly green uniforms. I wouldn't miss the Bobcats and they're smug, "Look at us we're wearing green uniforms" attitude.

I was determined though. I had my Tums and my will and I promised myself that I wouldn't be outlived by Dikembe Mutombo. That'd just be embarrassing.But the thing I'd miss the most of all, besides my family and friends, but probably more than some of my "friends" (haters), was that I'd never get the chance to see your brother and your dad play basketball again.

They were such an inspiration to me. Such a motivation to keep fighting for my life, while I was eating Tums. If it wasn't for them, I don't know if I'd have survived this horrible illness called sweat sickness. I saw it on The Tudors and it was really deadly, so I'm pretty sure that's what I had.

But I made it, guys. And I have your dad and brother to thank. Tell Brian and Steve I said, "thanks." They'll know what it means.

Determining Sean May's Waist Circumference

An NBA basketball is 9 inches in diameter. I've included two cross sections of ball, which overlap across Sean May's waist. As you can see there is slight overlap, probably about an inch and a half. This leaves us 16.5 inches across the front of Sean's waist.

If we assume that the back of his waist is the same as the front, we're currently at 33 inches. Since Sean is a three-dimensional being, we have to account for his sides. If we conservatively estimate his thickness at 2/3rds of a basketball, we have 6 inches on both sides.

Therefore:

Front (16.5) + back (16.5) + right side (6) + left side (6) = 45 inches

Which in turn, explains why this happens:

When the first suggested result of your name is that your fat, rather than that you play professional basketball, it's probably time to re-examine your eating habits.

An Annotated Guide to How Sean May Disgusts Women

1. Shields eyes to avoid an accidental glimpse of underarm floppiness.
2. "Dad, this guy is SO fat."
3. Transfixed by jiggling back fat.
4. Refuses to look for fear of paralysis, vomiting, and temporary blindness.

The Blowtorch Presents ... Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Play The Blowtorch Presents...Brian Eno and Joe Satriani Go NBA

Wherein:

• A new co-host is introduced.
• Brian Eno produces various Joe Satriani riffs and licks.
• Trades are discussed.
• Eric Snow is addressed.
• Music from Jay-Z and Santogold
  

Also, subscribe to The Blowtorch Presents in iTunes and leave some reviews.

Getty Images Completely Invalidates Sean May and His Family

Wowsers, Getty. I mean, I'm sure Sean May isn't terribly happy about being injured so often, but do you have to rub it in his face? And then to bring his dad in to it? That's just cruel.

Hilarious, but cruel.