Improving Our Relationships

We live in a world where everything is increasingly speeding up. Technology has developed surprisingly much in the late years. In 1946 J. Presper Eckert finished his first computer, which occupied an entire room and weighted about 50 tones. Nowadays we have the tiny laptops! The information flows with the speed of the light, and if we know what we are searching for and have the Internet at hand, we can find out about everything. We can speak with everyone at anytime and anyplace and still we don't have time to truly know each other. Lots of people get depressed because their relationships problems. We need to interact with each other. We can't enjoy life without the laughter of a good friend, without the smile of a dear one, without the helpful advises of a loving parent. It isn't any wonder that when we quarrel we begin to feel guilty, unsafe, abandoned. Here are some tips that are the basis of a healthy relationship which help improve a problematic relationship.

Sincerity
Without sincerity there can't be any connection between two people. Honesty is the ground of a true and profound relationship. People tend to believe that if they hide an unpleasant thing about them or about what they did; things are going to be fine. The truth is that we can't hide forever, and when the lie is discovered, for good reason, we lose all our credibility. Being honest with the other will lead to a strong and long term relationship.

Trust
Mostly, trust it is gained in time, when we have concluded that the other person is sincere, honest. When people are trusted for what they are, they become more comfortable, more natural in the way they interact. Being trusted increases our capabilities. A good and representative example is the example of a child who is encouraged by the teacher. Expressions like "I know you can do it"are very powerful in difficult situations and would be welcomed if they are said at the time needed. A common mistake in relationships is doubt. An efficient solution for doubt would be renouncing at the assumptions we make about the respective person and ask.

No Prejudices
From the first second we meet someone new we form a set of prejudices. It is natural to do so, but very often our judgments can be wrong because we don't have enough information about that person. The first step to verify our judgment is to be aware that we make judgments. The second is simply putting questions, being the easier way to find out the truth.

Compassion
People manage better difficulties when they know they are not alone. Feeling with the other will make the relation more profound.

Creativity
People get to know each other better by doing interesting things together. Making a trip, playing a new game, learning a new language together or playing an instrument, are effective ways to have fun together.

Humor
Humor always enlightens a relationship. Making fun of embarrassing situations helps us overcome them more easily.

Respect
Most quarrels start due to a lack of respect between people. But the key to be respected is to respect. We should offer respect to everyone, even if we consider that a specific person doesn't deserve our respect. The main reason for why we should respect each other is that we are all humans, with feelings, superior intellect and superior needs.

Managing Anger
From time to time we all feel angry, and anger makes us speak hurtful words that can cause deep wounds. There are some things that could help us manage our anger: being aware of our friend's problem makes us feel sorry for him, putting ourselves in the his/her shoes, making our best to understand why the person acted that way. This may take some time, so, the most suitable solution in an anger crisis is to keep our mouths shut for at least ten seconds, maybe then the anger will disappear.

Patience
Without patience with each other there is no such thing as good understanding, and the people feel stressed. Patience is a great way to manage anger.

Love
Love is the essential key in a relationship. Without love we cannot truly reach the other helpful keys (sincerity, respect, patience, compassion, trust and so on).

Improving Our Relationships

We live in a world where everything is increasingly speeding up. Technology has developed surprisingly much in the late years. In 1946 J. Presper Eckert finished his first computer, which occupied an entire room and weighted about 50 tones. Nowadays we have the tiny laptops! The information flows with the speed of the light, and if we know what we are searching for and have the Internet at hand, we can find out about everything. We can speak with everyone at anytime and anyplace and still we don't have time to truly know each other. Lots of people get depressed because their relationships problems. We need to interact with each other. We can't enjoy life without the laughter of a good friend, without the smile of a dear one, without the helpful advises of a loving parent. It isn't any wonder that when we quarrel we begin to feel guilty, unsafe, abandoned. Here are some tips that are the basis of a healthy relationship which help improve a problematic relationship.

Sincerity
Without sincerity there can't be any connection between two people. Honesty is the ground of a true and profound relationship. People tend to believe that if they hide an unpleasant thing about them or about what they did; things are going to be fine. The truth is that we can't hide forever, and when the lie is discovered, for good reason, we lose all our credibility. Being honest with the other will lead to a strong and long term relationship.

Trust
Mostly, trust it is gained in time, when we have concluded that the other person is sincere, honest. When people are trusted for what they are, they become more comfortable, more natural in the way they interact. Being trusted increases our capabilities. A good and representative example is the example of a child who is encouraged by the teacher. Expressions like "I know you can do it"are very powerful in difficult situations and would be welcomed if they are said at the time needed. A common mistake in relationships is doubt. An efficient solution for doubt would be renouncing at the assumptions we make about the respective person and ask.

No Prejudices
From the first second we meet someone new we form a set of prejudices. It is natural to do so, but very often our judgments can be wrong because we don't have enough information about that person. The first step to verify our judgment is to be aware that we make judgments. The second is simply putting questions, being the easier way to find out the truth.

Compassion
People manage better difficulties when they know they are not alone. Feeling with the other will make the relation more profound.

Creativity
People get to know each other better by doing interesting things together. Making a trip, playing a new game, learning a new language together or playing an instrument, are effective ways to have fun together.

Humor
Humor always enlightens a relationship. Making fun of embarrassing situations helps us overcome them more easily.

Respect
Most quarrels start due to a lack of respect between people. But the key to be respected is to respect. We should offer respect to everyone, even if we consider that a specific person doesn't deserve our respect. The main reason for why we should respect each other is that we are all humans, with feelings, superior intellect and superior needs.

Managing Anger
From time to time we all feel angry, and anger makes us speak hurtful words that can cause deep wounds. There are some things that could help us manage our anger: being aware of our friend's problem makes us feel sorry for him, putting ourselves in the his/her shoes, making our best to understand why the person acted that way. This may take some time, so, the most suitable solution in an anger crisis is to keep our mouths shut for at least ten seconds, maybe then the anger will disappear.

Patience
Without patience with each other there is no such thing as good understanding, and the people feel stressed. Patience is a great way to manage anger.

Love
Love is the essential key in a relationship. Without love we cannot truly reach the other helpful keys (sincerity, respect, patience, compassion, trust and so on).

Love in the Time of Blood Quantum

I'm fully aware of the fact that if it weren't for intermarriage between Natives and non-Natives, I wouldn't exist. I'm proud of all of my heritages, and proud that I can be unique in my Cherokee/Armenian/Irish/Welsh/German-ness (though, apparently Cher is Cherokee/White/Armenian, so maybe not so unique). I love that my family traditions and holidays are imbued with Armenian food and traditions, but that I can go to stomp dances in Oklahoma and feel equally connected. But when I think about my future, and my future children, the whole thing gets complicated.


I've written before about blood quantum, and some of the issues surrounding tribal membership and identifying as Native. I also allude, often, to my own identity struggles of being really mixed and coming from a suburban environment. Recently, since the 2010 Census data has started to trickle out, there has been some discussion about the interracial marriage rates among various ethnic groups. The NYtimes has a chart that shows Native have the highest rate of intermarriage, and they also recently published an article that quoted statistics showing Natives as most likely to identify as more than one race.

Debbie Reese over at American Indians in Children's Literature looked more closely at the idea of a "multi-racial" identity presented in the Times article. She says that when people identify as simply "multi-racial" and claim that individual races don't matter, they obscure what it really means to be an American Indian in today's society. She says:

The students interviewed for that Times article mean no harm when they say their Indian identity doesn't matter. It doesn't matter---to them. But it does to me, and it does to Native Nations. The students' well-meaning embrace of a mixed identity, in effect, obscures a lot, and in that obscurity, it does do harm. It contributes to the lack of understanding of who American Indians are...  And it takes the US down a merry melting pod road where we all hold hands and smile in ignorance.

In addition to Professor Reese's breakdown of the issue, NPR had a segment on intermarriage in Native communities, and they bring in the blood quantum issue. The piece focuses on a woman from the Wind River Reservation in Wyoming, and her fiance, a Mexican-American. In her community, members must possess 1/4 blood quantum for tribal enrollment, and while her children would make the cut, if they then choose to marry non-Indians, their children (her grandchildren) would no longer be tribal members.

NPR kinda misses the point, and focuses on "benefits" her children could miss out on (the article is called "Native American Intermarriage Puts Benefits at Risk"). They quote a professor of American Indian law who says:

"This becomes significant because it can affect child custody cases, access to free health care, education and land ownership. For many tribes, continuing high rates of intermarriage could become a huge issue in the future, since to remain as fully functioning nations, with governments, they need to have a population."

Of course, there are MANY issues with this quote, and the article does point out that some tribes don't have a blood quantum requirement for enrollment, but the bottom line is they make it seem like tribal membership is about having "benefits" from the federal government, not about culture, community, or anything else. The article also doesn't really problematize the notion of blood quantum at all, it's just taken as a given.

So, I say all this as a Native woman in her mid-20's, who is thinking about (at some point) settling down, having a family, raising kids, etc. I think about these issues constantly. I am lucky that my children will be able to enroll in the Cherokee Nation no matter what, since we don't use blood quantum for membership, but I worry about how they will be perceived if they want to be involved in Native community activities if they are even more mixed than me. I get crap constantly for the way I look and not being "Native enough"--even when the work I do is completely for Native communities and all about giving back. I think I've cried more tears in graduate school over identity politics than anything else, and I can't bear the thought of my future (albeit fictional at this point) children dealing with that pain. I know they will be culturally connected no matter what, but what does that mean for my future mate?

I joke that I look at potential partners as a series of punnett squares, those genetic calculator grids you used in high school biology to determine whether your fruit flies would have messed up wings or something. But I wonder if my light eyes would be dominant or recessive, if my light skin would make it through the maze of alleles to end up on my child. I realize it's sad, but I just want my kids to be able to be ethnically ambiguous enough to "pass" as Native. Is this internalized colonialism and bowing to stereotypes and misconceptions about Natives? Maybe. But it's reality.

I would absolutely love to end up with a Native man. But you need to find me one first. My friends and I joke that educated, motivated Native men are like unicorns...magical, mystical creatures that you've heard of, and special enough that if someone gets one, they're holding on and not letting go. This is not to seem like I'm hating on the Native men of the world. I just don't come into contact with them that often in my whitewashed East Coast world. The draw of a Native guy is simple: I don't want to have to explain everything all the time. I want someone who "gets it." I want to make cultural references and jokes, I want someone who understands what it feels like to be invisible, marginalized, and silenced, I want someone who supports my activism and social justice work. Can I find that in a non-Native guy? Yes, and I have. Though they tend to be other people of color.

These discussions also made me think of Lisa Charleyboy's post about dating over at Urban Native Girl Stuff. She breaks down the types of non-Native guys she's encountered into three categories:

1) “Inattentive Skeptics” who are uninformed about Natives

2) “Cultural Romantics” who appreciate native art and culture, but are unlikely to know any actual aboriginals (usually found in Toronto)

3) “Connected Advocates,” on the other hand, are most likely to support the achievements of Aboriginals, and to understand the role discrimination plays

I think those categories pretty much cover it all. Lisa says she's had some success dating the "inattentive skeptics," but personally I find it really, really tiring to constantly explain everything. My preference is definitely for the third category (duh). She also dealt with many of these same struggles I have, and decided to only date Native men for a period of time.

Add all of these layers of complication surrounding identity to the fact that I'm almost 5'10, in a PhD program at an elite institution, and am kinda loud and opinionated...I don't date much. ha. This is not to be a woe-is-me-I'm-so-lonely-and-oppressed post, but more of a personal reflection to bring to light some of the issues that 500+ years of colonialism have added onto an already complicated world of dating and courtship. I know that my non-Native friends don't have to think about blood percentage or tribal identification when they're out at a bar scoping out attractive coeds, and sometimes I wish I didn't have to either. But as Debbie Reese says in her post:

Identity matters for those of us who are raised Indian. We work very hard at maintaining our nationhood and our sovereignty, and, we work to protect the integrity of our traditions from being exploited by people who don't understand them.

 I'm working my butt off here, and is it selfish that I don't want it to be for nothing?

Feel free to disagree with me in the comments, and if you know of any attractive, tall, educated, single Native guys who want a date, let me know (I'm only half kidding...).

NYTimes: Who is Marrying Whom
NYTimes: Census Shows Rise in Number of Multiracial Children
American Indians in Children's Literature: "Multiracial" Identity and American Indians
Urban Native Girl Stuff: I am Not Your Pocahontas
Urban Native Girl Stuff: Bloodlines 
NPR: Native American Intermarriage Puts Benefits at Risk

Speed Dating Tips

One of the most popular and exciting way of meeting new people, speed dating has been attracting people of different age groups. Frankly, it’s not easy to find your perfect soul mate and when it comes to finding a decent man or a lovely woman, not everyone actually knows what to look for in a potential mate. Before a guy can even muster the courage to ask a girl out, he rethinks each and every move of his. As for the girls, in the hopes of finding Prince Charming, some of us might just miss out on one in the process. The dating world is very unpredictable as you never know what’s going to happen next. And when you throw in the complications of a relationship, then forget about it. Which is why, many singles find that speed dating is a good alternative to meet someone and hopefully, strike a chord. So if you are planning on giving speed dating a shot, then you have to read what we’ve got to say.

Speed Dating Tips for Women

If this your first try at speed dating, your nerves must be at an all-time high right now. There’s so much to think about; whether you’ll be able to find someone, is this a good idea, what should wear, should you think of something witty to say, so on and so forth. Since speed dating, as the name suggests, doesn’t really give you a lot of time to really connect with someone on a personal note, you’ve got to be prepared and work in the time allotted to you. Of course, there will be dozens of guys lined up in front of you and finding Mr. Right can become that much challenging. So to ease you through this process and get you the romance you’ve always searched for, read the following tips.

• The way you present yourself is very essential. I know some women feel that basing decisions on physical and outer appearance is sexist. But when you come to think of it, the attraction between a man and a woman begins from sight. So don’t feel shy to dress well and look elegant (with as little makeup and accessories as possible).
• Depending on what you’re looking for in a guy, frame your speed dating questions. For example, you are looking for a non-smoker or someone who drinks at a reasonable quantity, don’t be scared to ask the guys point blank.
• Keep in mind that you only have but a minute or two to get yourself noticed, so make the right first impression. Even after meeting many women, if you think he has potential, then he needs to remember you till the end. Show confidence in yourself and try to give interesting and truthful answers.
• It’s not necessary that you need to have witty and/or funny answers to all the questions. Many a times, you might not have something nice to say, but that doesn’t mean you give up. Sometimes, a plain and simple answer will do just fine.
• Since everyone gets a number, it can be difficult to remember the names of the guy(s) you might be interested in when the whole shebang is over. A good way to remember an individual's name is by writing his name in front of the number. It will be easier for you later on.

Speed Dating Tips for Men

Don’t look at speed dating as a last resort to finding "Happy Ending", but as a unique life experience. Your attitude is everything that makes this effort make it or break it for you. If you go in with the feeling that you are going to find someone that is meant for you, then you’ll be more open and free to communicate with others; and that confidence will show when it’s needed. Women can smell fear, agitation, and every negative thoughts/feelings that come to your head. And we don’t want that to happen. What you need be perceived as is a strong, confident guy whom women would love to get to know more. Am I right? So to put your best food forward, follow these tips.

• Be humble when you talk to a lady. When a woman speaks to you, basically she's looking at how you speak to her and are you a gentleman. She will base her decision on it.
• Try not to boast about yourself too much. Of course, everyone has accomplished a lot in their lives which they are proud of. But talking about it constantly can be a turnoff.
• If you're nervous about talking to so many women in such a short time, then rehearse with a friend. You can do a mock setup and talk about some common speed dating questions.
• Wear a nice perfume and dress in comfortable clothes. Sensual and sexy smelling perfumes can really get you noticed.
• Make sure your hair is neat and shampooed, your nails are trimmed, hair on the face is shaved (or if you have a beard, it's trimmed nicely), and you look presentable.
• Instead of being asked all the questions, try to ask her something unique about herself that not many people know. And, pay attention to her. Women love it when guys listen to what they have to say.
• Don't be arrogant and don't stare at you know where. Women don't appreciate guys who are just looking for quick hookups.

Some Dos and Don’ts to Keep in Mind

Well, we discussed on what men and women need to concentrate on for speed dating. However, there are few common dos and don’ts which should not be overlooked by any of the two sexes. And here they are…

Do...

• Keep your cool, calm yourself down, and feel confident in yourself. If you are confident, then it will reflect to the other person.
• Seem mysterious, but not so much that the person sitting in front of you is turned off by it. Give him/her the feeling of wanting to know you more.
• Maintain eye contact and smile when you both talk. You are a nice person and that's what you are there to show.
• Be cordial and when the buzzer rings, exchange a quick goodbye. Who knows, this might just trigger something in the person sitting in front of you and want to talk to you more. Polite people are very attractive.

Don’t...

• Don't give personal contact details just yet. You want to make sure that he/she isn’t a stalker or something. Keep yourself safe.
• Don't think that the only way to grab attention is to sound and look interesting. But you have to show interest in the person sitting in front of you.
• Don't try to be someone you are not. Being someone you’re not is making a person believe that you are a particular person. Instead, why not let someone get to know the real you.
• Don't wear a slutty dress (for women) or dress as a pimp (for men). Provocative dressing doesn't really say "girlfriend" or "boyfriend". You want to make an impression which says, "Yes, I know you would like me to be in your life."
• Don't be over flirtatious. Women and many men don't really look for a partner who keeps flirting with each and every person in front of them.
• Don't wander off to another world when someone is talking to you. Even if you are not interested in them, the most you can do is be polite. (You never know, the person sitting in front of you is another guy's friend; whom you like).
• Don't bring up past relationships or the fact that you are here because your friends forced you to. It may be the truth, but a girl doesn't really want to hear that just yet.

I hope that these speed dating tips were helpful and they can be put into use. Even though the concept of speed dating may not seem like the best idea, giving love and life a shot isn't all that bad. You never know whom you will bump into there and find a new meaning of life.

How to Get Her Back After a Break Up

Guys going through a break up stop thinking straight for the most part and tend to take irrational actions. This is one of the major reasons behind desperate measures they take to get her back. They tend to overlook that probably this haphazard decision making was the main reason why she broke up. It may sound like common advice but reflecting on what went wrong is one of the first steps that a guy should take if he wants to win her back. Other things that would help the situation are to stop whining and asking advice from your other male friends. It is more than likely that they are as clueless as you are, or worse, they might give you wrong advice.


How to Win Her Back After a Break Up

Approach this task like an assignment and sit with a piece of paper and make two columns. In the first column list down all the things that she liked about you, and in the second column write all the things she hated about you. Invest some time in this work as it will act as the core of your plan of getting her back. You also need to remember one thing, that all girls need to feel special and if you make her feel that way she will forgive you and probably take you back.

All Apologies
They will tell you that an apology will not make it better, well accepted! But it will lay the ground work to build something better. Express your apology not only in words but let it be seen in your actions. For example if she broke up with you cause you are a flirt, then stop talking to other girls and apologize for your insensitive behavior.

Show Care
One of the major reasons for a breakup is that the girl feels neglected in the relationship. You have to go over the top to reassure her that this is not the case if you want her back in your life. Start by making simple inquiries like how she is doing, does she need anything, how was her day, etc. Talk about issues that might be troubling her, for example, ask her how she is coping with stress at work, how she is dealing with an ill family member, etc. Remember to keep your focus on her when you are showing concern.

 Project Change
It is obvious she won't come back to you if she doesn't see any change in your behavior and attitude. If you are wondering how to get her back after a break up, make sure you refer to your assignment of listing things that she liked and disliked. For example, if she thinks that you get angry for no reason, don't show your anger even if she provokes you. Show that you have had a profound personality change because of the break up and now want her back so she can experience the best of you.

Give Respect
If you want her back you need to respect her views and opinions even if you disagree with her. Allow her to discuss things that you may find trivial, if she is looking for space give it to her, no point being overbearing. Let her know through words and actions that you value her and her decisions. Treat her with respect, simple things like using a soft tone when speaking about differences will help you score points with her.

Value Others
Almost all girls are caring and value their friends, family members and even the old guy at the newspaper stand. If you want her back, show that you not only value her but also the other people in her life. Talk to about her friends and family members with respect even if you can't stand them, there is no reason to be disrespectful if you don't like them. For example if her mom is having a birthday, send her flowers and a card, this small gesture will help you score lot of points.

If you desperately want her back do not underestimate the importance of showering her with gifts, sending over a cute teddy bear with a 'I am sorry' tag is a good way to begin. Sending flowers and chocolates with hand written notes expressing your true feelings will also go a long way in mending the relationship. One last thing, be honest and genuine in your efforts, she will sense it.

How to Get Her Back After a Break Up

Guys going through a break up stop thinking straight for the most part and tend to take irrational actions. This is one of the major reasons behind desperate measures they take to get her back. They tend to overlook that probably this haphazard decision making was the main reason why she broke up. It may sound like common advice but reflecting on what went wrong is one of the first steps that a guy should take if he wants to win her back. Other things that would help the situation are to stop whining and asking advice from your other male friends. It is more than likely that they are as clueless as you are, or worse, they might give you wrong advice.


How to Win Her Back After a Break Up

Approach this task like an assignment and sit with a piece of paper and make two columns. In the first column list down all the things that she liked about you, and in the second column write all the things she hated about you. Invest some time in this work as it will act as the core of your plan of getting her back. You also need to remember one thing, that all girls need to feel special and if you make her feel that way she will forgive you and probably take you back.

All Apologies
They will tell you that an apology will not make it better, well accepted! But it will lay the ground work to build something better. Express your apology not only in words but let it be seen in your actions. For example if she broke up with you cause you are a flirt, then stop talking to other girls and apologize for your insensitive behavior.

Show Care
One of the major reasons for a breakup is that the girl feels neglected in the relationship. You have to go over the top to reassure her that this is not the case if you want her back in your life. Start by making simple inquiries like how she is doing, does she need anything, how was her day, etc. Talk about issues that might be troubling her, for example, ask her how she is coping with stress at work, how she is dealing with an ill family member, etc. Remember to keep your focus on her when you are showing concern.

 Project Change
It is obvious she won't come back to you if she doesn't see any change in your behavior and attitude. If you are wondering how to get her back after a break up, make sure you refer to your assignment of listing things that she liked and disliked. For example, if she thinks that you get angry for no reason, don't show your anger even if she provokes you. Show that you have had a profound personality change because of the break up and now want her back so she can experience the best of you.

Give Respect
If you want her back you need to respect her views and opinions even if you disagree with her. Allow her to discuss things that you may find trivial, if she is looking for space give it to her, no point being overbearing. Let her know through words and actions that you value her and her decisions. Treat her with respect, simple things like using a soft tone when speaking about differences will help you score points with her.

Value Others
Almost all girls are caring and value their friends, family members and even the old guy at the newspaper stand. If you want her back, show that you not only value her but also the other people in her life. Talk to about her friends and family members with respect even if you can't stand them, there is no reason to be disrespectful if you don't like them. For example if her mom is having a birthday, send her flowers and a card, this small gesture will help you score lot of points.

If you desperately want her back do not underestimate the importance of showering her with gifts, sending over a cute teddy bear with a 'I am sorry' tag is a good way to begin. Sending flowers and chocolates with hand written notes expressing your true feelings will also go a long way in mending the relationship. One last thing, be honest and genuine in your efforts, she will sense it.