Juwan Howard Attends Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp

Hi, I'm Phil Jackson of Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp. I like to eat beans. But I also like teaching acting. Nothing beats the thrill of teaching a youngster how to act like something else, except for winning NBA championships. That's number one. But after that, teaching young people how to act.

Just to recap: championships, then acting.

But acting isn't just young kids. There are old people in movies too. Like Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones and that jerk Jude Law. I can't stand Jude Law, with his British affectations and flowing hair. Anyways.

At Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp, we also teach old people to act. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, so that's why I didn't open a dog acting workshop. That's just bad business. But old people? You can sometimes teach them new tricks. Like acting. Just this summer, an old NBA player came to me, and wanted to learn to act. I'd like you to meet Juwan Howard.

Heeeyyyyyyyy.

Juwan came to me and said, "Phil Jackson, I need you to teach me to act, so I can catch on as a twelfth man for some team. I don't have the skills to play in the NBA anymore, but I don't want to sell cars just yet. Please Phil Jackson, you're my only hope." He's kind of long-winded. But I said yes. For a fee.

And it worked! Juwan is now the twelfth man for the Portland Trailblazers. Since it was so successful, I've decided to show some of my process in hopes that some more clients will show up. We just did a few simple exercises to get him in the right frame of mind for the upcoming season. Because Juwan is a good sport, he agreed to recreate those exercises in this demonstration.

Juwan, act like your teammates just got called for a foul that they didn't commit.

Very good. Maybe dial it back a little. You're kind of becoming a caricature of a bench player. You're on the right track though.

This time, act like your teammate just got a huge basket AND the foul. Go.
Take it back some.

Take it back.
TAKE IT BACK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU'RE A JOKE JUWAN HOWARD!

I apologize. It appears that Juwan has forgot some of our basic tenets. Mostly the one about not overacting. Maybe they were right when they said you can't teach an old Juwan Howard new tricks. But I still have hope. In fact, I just got word that Michael Sweetney will be enrolling soon.

Hands On at Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp

Hey campers. It's week six here at Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp, hosted by Phil Jackson. We've already gone over a lot of the basics such as dramatic acting, really dramatic acting, and comedic acting. Today we've got a special treat. Towards the end here, I like to bring in one of my prized pupils to show you some acting games that will help you master improvization. Boys and girls, please give a warm welcome to the newest member of the New Orleans Hornets, Emeka Okafor!

First, we'll play a game called "mimic." In this game, which I made up, Emeka is going to do exactly what I do. Watch closely and you'll see how we each change our face just enough to look exactly like the other person, like we're mimicing them. That's where the name comes from. I'll begin.

Perfect. Next.


No. Again.
No. Again.
Better. One more.
Can't you do another face? Let's try another game.

In this exercise, I call out an emotion, and Emeka will perform that emotion. I invented this game too, and it's called "Emotions." Hopefully, it goes a little better than the last one.

Okay, happy.

Good. Angry!

Perfect! Sexy!

Yes! Constipated!EXCELLENT! Unconstipated!
PERFECT!

Did you see that kids?! Emeka nailed every emotion I could think of, and he did it smoothly and with ease. Now, get with your partners, and give these games a try. We'll pick it up together in half an hour.

Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp

Hi, I'm Phil Jackson, and I want to tell you about something deep in my heart. You might know me as the basketball coach of the National Basketball Association's Los Angeles Lakers. Or maybe from my 1990s stint as coach of the Chicago Bulls and Michael Jordan. And while I deeply love basketball, my true passion is the stage.

I love acting with the intensity of a thousand burning suns. Ever since my role as the titular character in my 8th grade performance of Pippin, I've been infatuated with honing my craft. Now that the NBA season is over, I've decided to share my knowledge through Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp.

Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp is an intensive 8 week course that promises to teach you the ins and outs of stage, television, and film acting. You'll learn everything you could need to know from me, Phil Jackson. For instance, dramatic acting.

"I don't know how to put this, Eric. You have...you have...I don't believe it...how did you...how could you...I've never seen this before...where does an infestation of nanobots even come from? begins crying I'll do my best, Eric. I'll do my best...I'll do my best."

And scene.

That was from my still-in-production screenplay BloodBots. It's a sci-fi film that I'm still trying to iron out, but you get the idea.

Another of my specialties is the "crazy" character. You know the kind. He just can't suffer the injustices of this world any longer, then he snaps. Take a look.

"WHAT?! WHAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! HOW DARE YOU!! HOW! DARE! YOU! WHAT?!"

And scene.

The monologue I just performed is from a television series that I'm pitching called Jill Faxson: Lady Detective. I'm hoping to play her sidekick Eric, your typical loose cannon.

But lest you think Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp is all doom and gloom, I'll also be teaching comedic acting. This monologue is from another screenplay I'm writing called Bigs. I play a basketball coach who can't communicate with his centers. One center, played by Antonio Banderas, is from Spain. The other is a younger guy who just wants to party, and will be played by Tracy Morgan. Watch and learn.

"Paul, put your pants back on. I said flash TO the high post, not flash the high post."

And scene.

As you can see, Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp is a full-fledged learning experience. I, Phil Jackson, will teach you everything you've ever wanted to know about acting, and then some. For additional details, email my management. Hope to see you soon.

For My Next Trick...

Silly, fools. How dare you question my tactics? You forsake me in the name of Glen Rivers. Do you not recognize me as Master? Do you not remember my timeouts? Never forget my timeouts. They are legendary for a reason.

Nonetheless, doubters, I shall prove myself to you once again. How? I will show you.

I SUMMON THE POWER OF CHRISTOPHER STEVEN MIHM!

Chris Mihm: Really?

GO FORTH AND DO MY BIDDING!

Yes, Christopher. Well done. You have served your master well. Now, show yourself to those who adore you. Bask in their revelry.

Remember, doubters, my Los Angeles Lakers have never lost a Finals game that featured Chris Mihm. Never shall you doubt again.

Never.