Asian/Pacific Islands Basketball is Confusing

I like watching all kinds of basketball. Or as the Spanish might say baloncesto. I feel like I can relate to basketball at any level. Yes, I much prefer the NBA to anything else, but I'm always down to chill out on a college, high school, or international game.

But I have never watched a FIBA Asia game ever. In fact, I just found out it was called FIBA Asia because of Google and their website, which a) exists and b) has a theme song that autoplays that is hilarious. That is my entire understanding of FIBA Asia basketball. And judging by some recent photographs, that's probably the most I'll ever comprehend, because holy cow what is going on here?

In FIBA Asia basketball, large women guard small men while the kid from Little Miss Sunshine watches from press row.

In FIBA Asia basketball you can only block shots through the rim.

FIBA Asia basketball is very emotional.

In FIBA Asia basketball, some players have the ability to float parallel to the ground. This is a perfectly legal defensive strategy.

Similarly, in FIBA Asia basketball, some players can make the ball levitate. If you levitate the ball, you can advance it as if you were dribbling. It is not considered traveling because it's magical.

FIBA Asia basketball is heavily influenced by the Harlem Globetrotters.

These are the only known facts about FIBA Asia basketball. I learned them from reading the website, so I'd suggest you check it out then come back here so we can have an in-depth discussion about FIBA Asia basketball. Also, magic. We can talk about magic since that's all you want to talk about these days.

The Dangers of International Competition

Right now, there is a large international basketball competition taking place in locales around the world. It's called the Large International Basketball Competition and it features players from all around the globe, even some from the NBA. However, many owners don't like their players playing in the competition that they are playing in as players. Their fears are justified.

Not only could one of their investments be injured, they could also be hurt. Furthermore, they could also unwittingly unveil some new moves, thereby rendering them obsolete. Or they could be abducted, tied up in ropes, and placed on train tracks by robber barons. Also, they could be hurt.

But these are just minor dangers. The three situations that follow are all too common in international basketball. As such, they cause night sweats, buggymares, and general queasiness amongst NBA executives.

Physical Assault

Yes, an injury is distressing enough, but in international basketball, players are often punched while driving to the basket. Due to some European bylaws, this tactic has been permitted since the conception of FIBA (it is called the "Russian Handcheck" for obvious reasons). As of late, most European countries have abandoned this technique, but their Asian counterparts have mastered it. The coupling of basketball and martial arts has proven deadly for nearly 600 players since 1985.

Cloning

A players contract is predicated on the assumption that their skills are irreplaceable. But cloning laws abroad are lax, and the process has not yet been perfected. Not only does this make a player less valuable, it also downgrades the talent in the NBA. It is a closely guarded secret that the Allen Iverson who returned after the Athens Olympics was not the actual Iverson, but rather a laboratory creation dubbed Alan Iverson.

Poor Nutrition

Due to the economic crisis, players are often forced to eat their winnings to stay alive.

Cannabalism

Because not every team wins medals, and even those aren't terribly filling, overseas competition is overrun with players eating other players. As seen in the picture above, the Grizzlies' Hamed Haddadi is desperately eyeing the Nets' Yi Jianlian for a post-game meal. Unfortunately for Nets fans, FIBA officials were able to save Yi from his certain death.