Something Happened During Last Night's Clippers/Timberwolves Game....

Oh my gosh, you guys. What happened?


Ohhh....

Henk Norel on Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Yesterday was a pretty stressful day for me. I was away from the computer all day, so there was no Blowtorch "hilarity." Sorry (not really). But as a nice way to end the day after exhausting book deal negotiations, I saw Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince with Minnesota TimberLOLves draftee Henk Norel. Here is our post-viewing conversation on the way home.

Trez Kerbz: So, what did you think of the movie.

Henk Norel: Jah, not so bad, mate. I locked the movie, mate.

TK: You sound like you're from London.

HN: Netherlands, mate.

TK: Cool, bro. What was your favorite part?

HN: I thought it was cool, mate, how they had a character zat looked just like me. Actually two, mate. It was a noice tribute.

TK: That's what I was thinking the whole time. It was funny how the little girls kept coming up to you and asking if you played Fred or George.

HN: Jah, zat was CRAZY mate. Don't they know the deeference between a Dutch accent and an English one, mate?

TK: I don't.

HN: Jah, good point, mate.

TK: What else did you like?

HN: Mostly just looking like those two brothers. Oh, and the guy that looked like Ricky.

TK: Ricky Rubio?

HN: Jah.

TK: So you liked the character of Harry Potter, who the movie is about, because he looked like your teammate, but you couldn't remember his name even though, like I said, he is who the movie is about?

HN: Jah.

TK: You're an idiot. What does "Henk" even mean?

HN: Hank.

TK: Of course. Let's just be quiet until we get home.

HN: Jah.

TK: You know, I don't even know how we started hanging out in the first place.

HN: I thought we were being "quiet."

TK: Shut up.

Found Item: The Minnesota Timberwolves Draft Board

During last night's draft, a lot of people were getting a kick out of the Timberwolves drafting every point guard they could during the first round. It was so funny, in fact, that I coined* the name TimberLOLves to describe the foibles of new GM David Kahn. But then I got my hands on what I am told was their only drafting resource. Then things made sense. Have a look:

*Another coined term from last night: Ricky RubiBro, which is going to be huge.

I Saw Your Dad Play Basketball Last Night

I stopped by Wizards/Wolves game last night because I didn't have anything to do and they were giving out tickets in exchange for canned food. Something about Y2K, I guess. Seemed pretty legit, but maybe they were planning on deploying some kind of horrible weaponry and needed a stocked bomb shelter. Either way, I took my can of peaches with me down to the gym and got a seat.

And dude, your DAD was playing for the Timberwolves. Yeah, seriously, your dad.

I'm sure it was him. He was bald but had that little bit of side hair like Scott Skiles and the flesh-colored beard. It had to have been your dad. You said he's been able to get back in the gym after the heart thing, right? Yeah, I thought so. It was definitely him. He had the knee braces on and everything.

Oh, and he was doing all those old man moves, like hooking guys when he spins down low and shooting that fade-away from the left block that he loves so much. And he was throwing all kinds of backdoor passes.

I'm telling you, it was him. He was so sweaty. It was kinda gross, but he's like 50 something right? I mean, I sweat a lot and I'm only 25. I can't imagine how sweaty I'll be when I'm 50. I guess twice as sweaty, technically. That's a lot of sweat. I'm a little nauseous just thinking about it.

But it was cool seeing your dad playing again. He was seriously taking it to some of the younger guys. Next time you talk to him, tell him I say hi. He'll know what it means.

1000 Words: Troy Hudson Has Really Let Himself Go

No wonder his rap album did so bad.

The Beautiful Mystery of Basketball

Kevin Love: Oh, it's so magical. I've never seen anything quite like it.

Andris Biedrins: Yah, ess vunderfawl. I like-a ze vay zat eet lukes. Vhat ees eet?

KL: Ha. Like I'm going to tell you. Idiot.

AB: Comes on, Kayvuhn. Jahst tell me. I promeice zat I vill not tell anyvahn.

KL: I don't trust foreigners.

AB: Kayvuhn, tell me. Tell Andris what zat magic ees. I have nayvor seen anyseeng like zit.

KL: Man, get your hands off me. The Love Doctor only sees female clients.

AB: But Kayvuhn, who can tell Andris vhat eet ees?

KL: Ask that drunk guy by your bench.

Don Nelson: OH SWEET CANDIED YAMS, THAT'S AMAZING! SOMEBODY GRAB ME A BREWSKI AND CHECK THIS THING OUT! BETTER YET, BRING LIKE NINE! I FEEL LIKE A KID AGAIN!

AB: Vhat a vaste.

There's a Reason My Last Name's Love

Awwwww, yeah girl. I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re thinkin’, “that Kevin Love looks HOTT in that new Twolves jersey.” Well I got news for you, baby. KLove’s gonna make this jersey work.

I’ll come by later, wearing my jersey, singing “Business Time.” Cause you know when KLove gets down to business, it’s business time. Play your cards right and we might be talkin’ 2 am burritos at El Mex. If you’re lucky, I might let you wear this jersey, girl.

Haha, I’m just playin’. You know KLove ain’t givin’ up this jersey. Even your fine self can’t work this jersey like KLove.

The blue makes my eyes pop? You know what else is poppin’? Yeah, you do girl. I call it KBone. And that’s what I’m gonna do. Why don’t you come a little closer and I’ll show you why McHale didn’t need Mayo. That’s right, we’ll be talkin’ trades ALL NIGHT. Like you tradin’ your man for KLove.

You like the way I got this ball spinnin’? That’s just the start, baby. Let these fingers do their thing and KLove’ll do his. I’m talkin’ outlet passes to your front court. I’m talkin’ back door passes to your…well, your back door. I’m talkin’ you trimmin’ my linebeard. Don’t act like you haven’t thought about it. You won’t be the first and you certainly won’t be the last.

But, for real, girl. I’ll enroll you at UCLA. The University of Climax, Love Academy. And you know who the dean is? KLove. Don’t worry, your application has already been approved and I’ve got your grant right here.

Kevin Love

Kevin Love shirts available in THE BLOWTORCH SHOP.