Friday, July 31, 2009

Oh. My. Gosh. Look at the size of that owange. That is the biggest owange I have evow seen. I am going to eat that owange SO fast and it's going to be SO good. Wyan weally wikes owanges. Thank my wucky staws foah this enoahmous owange.

Oh, owange. I am so happy to eat you. You will be sweet and dewicious in Wyan's bewwy. If I didn't eat you, owange, I would want to mawwy you and maybe go see the new Hawwy Pottah movie togevah. You make me so happy, owange. I am sowwy to eat you, but you awa a big yummy owange so I must.

GWOSS! GWAPEFWUIT! YOU AWEN'T AN OWANGE AT ALL! HOWA DAWA YOU! You awa too souwa! I fought we wewe fwiends! You twicked me, gwapefwuit. I will NEVEWA eat a gwapefwuit again because you awa SO mean. You taste wike souwa poops. Gwoss. You awa the wowst fwuit evewah.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Luke Ridnour Misses the Point

Mo Williams: This new commercial is going to be insane.

Rashard Lewis: For real, we look tight.

Kevin Durant: Yeah.

Rashard Lewis: Who else they got comin'?

Mo Williams: I don't know. You know, Kev?

Kevin Durant: No.

Rashard Lewis: I think Iggy coming. And I heard Luke Ridnour was coming, but that can't be true.

Mo Williams: Who is Luke Ridnour?

Rashard Lewis: He play for the Sonics.

Kevin Durant: No.

Rashard Lewis: Oh, right. He play for the Thunder.

Kevin Durant: No.

(door opens)

Mo Williams: Iggy! What up?!

Andre Iguodala: (grimaces)

Rashard Lewis: You bring anybody with you?

Andre Iguodala: (grimaces)

(door opens, knocks over Connect Four game)

Luke Ridnour: Hey, guys. Did I do that?

Mo Williams: Who dat?

Kevin Durant: Ridnour.

Williams/Lewis: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Luke Ridnour: Awwww, not again. They said "dress like the early 90s." They specifically said EARLY 90s. Why does this always happen to me?

Williams/Lewis: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Andre Iguodala: (grimaces)

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Toby Ng Kwong To. Illustrator. Hong kong.

toby-ng.com

Oil Prospecting with Joakim Noah

At Joakim Noah's house...

Trez Kerbz: I have boredom, Joakim Noah. There is boredom in me.

Joakim Noah: For real, son. Let's do something then.

Trez Kerbz: Like what?

Joakim Noah: Let's get some oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: a) Why would we get oil? And b) How are we going to get oil?

Joakim Noah: You kidding? Oil is like gold, but, like a liquid.

Trez Kerbz: Liquid gold.

Joakim Noah: Word, son. We need to get that oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: Sure. How?

Joakim Noah: Yo, throw that ice pick in the ground.

Trez Kerbz: Why do you have an ice pick?

Joakim Noah: Why do only certain birds eat certain bird seed? Why did old-time sailors think manatees were mermaids? Why we hangin' out? You ask too many questions, man.

Trez Kerbz: Whatever. So, you think I just throw this ice pick in the ground and we'll get some oil?

Joakim Noah: Word. Get a bag though.

Trez Kerbz: Why?

Joakim Noah: For the oil, son.

Trez Kerbz: Right. (throws ice pick, oil starts spurting)

Joakim Noah: YEAH, SON!

Trez Kerbz: I cannot believe that worked. (copious amounts of oil continue to spurt)

Joakim Noah: GET THAT OIL, SON! GET OIL!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Performance Enhancers for the Portland Trailblazers

One of the things that I'm always telling Matt Moore is how I want every NBA player to completely maximize their potential. Clearly, this will never happen. However, thanks to certain shadowy connections I have made, I have procured the following items for the Portland Trailblazers basketball team. They have the pieces to challenge the Lakers and Spurs in the West, so I thought that giving them a little extra help would raise the level of the league just a touch. Here is what I acquired:

Robot Legs

For: Greg Oden

Advantages: Supports brittle bones that have been ravaged by osteoporosis. Improves lateral quickness. Improves jumping quickness. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: The only thing heavier than his actual legs.

Hook for a Hand

For: Lamarcus Aldridge

Advantages: Aids in grabbing tough rebounds. Frightens opposing players. Looks awesome.

Disadvantages: Occasionally falls off of arm stump. Turns player in to a monster.

Shoe Lifts

For: Jerryd Bayless

Advantages: Makes player appear taller, therefore allowing him to play shooting guard.

Disadvantages: Kind of sissy.

Nunchucks

For: Brandon Roy

Advantages: Just seems like he'd like nunchucks.

Disadvantages: None.

Muscle Milk

For: Nicolas Batum

Advantages: Adds muscle. Tastes like milk.

Disadvantages: For bros.

Monday, July 27, 2009

The Most Boring Player in the NBA

Facts about Andre Miller:

Every day for lunch eats white bread, hard-boiled eggs, and American cheese.
Favorite television program: Antique Roadshow
Favorite actor: Ben Kingsley
Favorite actress: Angela Landsbury
Takes lukewarm baths; refuses to use shower.
Drives a silver1996 Chevrolet Lumina.
Owns 16 pairs of Champion cotton shorts with pockets (aka "Dad shorts") in various shades of grey, black, and blue.
Has two dogs, a yellow lab named "Rick" and a beagle named "Tom."
Favorite color: grey-ish
Favorite musician: Seals and Croft
Favorite movie: The Good Shepherd
Weekends are generally spent doing yardwork, reading the newspaper, and doing yardwork.
Once took a roadtrip by car to Yellowstone National Park to "see what all the fuss is about." Upon return, declared the park "too sprawly."
Favorite food: porridge
Favorite store: Kohl's
After a night out on the town his rookie year, remarked that clubs are "too loud" and has yet to return.
Next movie on NetFlix queue: Grey Gardens
As a child, met Magic Johnson and told his parents he wasn't impressed because he was "too smiley."